Magazine Articles

= written by Amr Khaled =

16 *  Before we miss the train 1

Before We Miss the Train

How would one feel if he arrived at a train station but realized that he missed the train?  He would certainly feel regretful because he missed what he was planning and hoping for.  The opposite of what he wanted occurred.  Thus, this person who was planning to entertain himself lawfully by traveling but missed the train, will temporarily fall under the common stresses of daily life, which he wanted to take a rest from.

This image of missing the train is not the only one for it also comes in an abundant number of images.  This is because it is originally a basic issue and the act of 'missing' takes various forms.  There are some complicated problems in our lives, which remain unsolved even if we approach them positively.  One of these problems is the dual relationship between couples when none of them understand each other.  They lack a mutual relationship.  Hence, they do not agree or forgo when necessary.  Their situation becomes one of collisions.

Unfortunately, this case is found in many marital relationships.  Each partner starts the matrimonial life by looking for the image created in his or her mind about the other partner.  A girl imagines that her husband will fulfill all her needs.  Not only that, but to also brings her what she is hoping for before she even asks for it.  Forgetting something she likes is considered harsh, rude, and ungrateful.  If her husband did not entertain her two or three times a week, she becomes angry.  In her opinion, to be patient and considerate toward his circumstances is from her goodness and refined nature.  Hence, he should release her from her boredom when she stays at home for more than two days.

One of the other stereotypes from the wives is to expect their husbands to be content with what already exists.  Thus, asking a wife to perform additional tasks would exhaust her, which reveals the husband's cruelty.  In addition, not defending her all the time, whether she is right or wrong, is considered an insult to her dignity.

On the other hand, a husband imagines that his wife is the woman who wakes up before him, stands near his bed, looks attentively at him, and is sorry if he could not sleep well.  By the time he wakes up, he expects to find the breakfast prepared, and to see his wife smiling and wishing him a good appetite and excellent health.  After finishing his breakfast, he wears his previously selected clothes and polished shoes. He goes to work with the feeling that he is doing a great favor for his wife, and for all his family, by enduring all the hardships at the workplace for their sake.  Meanwhile, he expects to hear words of praise and blessings.  It disturbs him if he no longer hears those words when leaving the house for he does not mind hearing them even while descending the stairs. When he returns home, dinner should be prepared and the bed should be ready for him to sleep on.  Surely, there is no chance for any kind of discussion or debate to take place between them.  Even in the best conditions, if there is a discussion, then he is the one who starts it and ends it.  He is also the one who limits it according to his own mood.  By doing so, he feels the need to be thanked for being so benevolent.  His wife, according to him, does not have any rights upon him except eating, drinking, and clothing.

How can a couple with these concepts share a stable marriage that depends on serenity, love, and mercy? This is impossible, or let us say, is very difficult.  It takes a long time and continuous disputes until somehow matters are settled between them.  The best solution is to prevent such situations from happening in the first place.  A wife has to understand from the very beginning that her husband’s main concern is not only to satisfy her desires, bring her presents, or to try to comfort her all the time, although he is expected to do so at the right time. The same applies to a man.  His wife was not created to only prepare his food or to ease his life.  Besides, it is neither normal nor right that she starts and stops talking whenever he wants.  Yet, she is also expected to do so at the right time. 

There are other matters that couples should fully understand and take into consideration.  The most important one is that marriage, like many other things, is based on justice. Allah says what can be translated as, “And the heaven: He has raised it high, and He has set up the Balance.  In order that you may not transgress (due) balance. And observe the weight with equity and do not make the balance deficient.” (TMQ, Ar-Rahman: 7-9)[1]. Thus, when people ask for their rights they must fulfill their duties towards others. Accordingly, the husband who asks his wife to listen to him and to be patient when he is enraged has to listen to her and be patient when she is enraged as well.  The one who believes that he has the right to criticize another has to also accept another’s opinion open heartedly.  Hence, the husband who asks his wife not to overload him with additional financial burdens should not, in return, demand from his wife extremely tedious tasks.  The one who dislikes his wife's interference in his personal affairs should not turn into an oppressive husband who does not respect his wife’s private concerns, and so forth.

Therefore, this perception should replace the inherited ideas, which came to us from outside influences.  Most of these ideas should be re-evaluated according to our sharee’a (legal laws of the Qur’an and Sunnah) to keep only what suits us.

This psychological preparation together with the perception mentioned about the matrimonial life and the relationship between its two spouses is the train.  This is the train I hope none of us will miss in order not to become regretful; for regretting would then do us no good.

To be continued next week God willing.

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