Paradise in Our Homes - II

Episode 7

 This episode is a continuation and a final crystallization of the last two episodes that revolved around Orfi[1] marriage. We discussed this critically widespread phenomenon in the Arab world and the many different factors that contribute to its increasing prevalence. Orfi marriage is conducted either by signing a paper with two witnesses or through a cassette recording of the marriage agreement and witnesses. Our main target is to address the young teenagers and university students who simply cannot afford to marry at this age and at the same time cannot suppress their desires to get married.

Our main concern is to enlighten those young boys and girls with the consequences of this kind of marriage and the huge losses they eventually suffer, especially for girls. The girl loses her dignity, her youth, her reputation, her religion and above all her parents’ respect and trust when she deceives them and conceals this marriage and deprives them of every father or mother’s dream, i.e. the day of their daughter’s wedding.

Statistics published in the Egyptian Al –Ahram newspaper on 29-5-2007 state that 17% of the Egyptian university girls are married in the Orfi manner, and this figure is variable and is probably actually bigger than that.  Consequently, similar statistics indicate a huge number of illegitimate children resulting from these marriages, which yet brings up another problem of orphans and homeless children.

Not one single Orfi marriage succeeds or ends happily, all cases end in misery, sorrow and bitterness especially for the girl. She suffers the greater loss when the boy eventually gets tired of her and abandons her. She suffers from the depression and pressure  and realizes that she has made herself worthless and cheap.  It ends in a great tragedy for the girl who cannot even find comfort in confiding to her parents, thus she is all alone.  The boy has less to lose, nonetheless, he still suffers.  ,After fulfilling his desires, he humiliatingly abandons the girl when he gets tired of her.

The girl loses the beautiful experience and emotions of the wedding day, planning for it and the wedding dress and similarly deprives her parents from enjoying this moment with her. The girl humiliates herself and lessens her value by begging the boy to marry her rightfully to make up for their sin, and he probably will not marry her as he has grown tired of her. The heated passions are now gone, and there is nothing left but remorse and disgust.  

Allah valued women and therefore commanded men to value her too by prescribing certain obligations for marriage to occur, such as the dowry and asking the permission of her family to get married to her and in general to exert all the possible efforts to make her live a decent living. We hope we can put this message forward to all the university and high school boys and girls so that they may realize how grave the matter is and to appreciate Allah’s commands.

But we must ask, why are young people resorting to Orfi marriage? Marriage in general has become difficult for our youth, because it demands many financial requirements.  Orfi marriage is the easy way out, burden-free and no finances are involved. Many youth lead very empty lives and allow their desires to dominate them and overcome their mind and body. In addition, the media encourages emotional arousal and stimulation of desires.

 Dysfunctional families play a major role in this crisis, where are the families that should accommodate and embrace their sons and daughters, especially at this critical age? If the boy or girl does not find the love and emotion they seek at home, they will pursue it away from home and that is when disaster strikes! The society is also partially to blame: the youth do not have one common goal or cause to unite them all and keep them occupied.

 We all agree that excessive leisure time is the key to calamity; it’s the devil’s perfect chance to  drive youth to commit such a sin.  Therefore, we simply need to keep our youth occupied and busy.  This occupation can be through having an ambition and devoting his/her life to this dream or committing oneself to a cause such as work or charity, or regularly playing sports.  Strengthen your ties with Allah (SWT)[2] through prayer and supplication to bless you with patience and power to turn your back to all sins, until you can afford to marry and meet the right person.

Faith that is strengthened in prayers and worshipping Allah and obeying his orders is very crucial, because it fortifies one, and acts to protect all those who seek it in their lives. Therefore, Allah will support you and back you up with patience and assistance.  Finally, Allah always accepts your repentance.  So have hope in Allah, repent for your sins, a true and sincere repentance,  and Allah is All-Merciful, All-Forgiving.

We mentioned many stories and examples of those who were married Orfi and how their marriages ended in misery, tragedy, depression and sometimes suicide, never in happiness or stability! During the last episode we proposed two  what-if questions for you to consider, the first was: What if you are a girl who was involved in an Orfi marriage many years ago, and you have repented sincerely.  A person now comes to propose to you, what will you do? We suggested four responses:

1.      Confide in him and tell him everything on the first meeting.

2.      Conceal the whole incident and never mention it again.

3.      Extend the engagement period to make him sure about your ethics and then tell him before marriage.

4.      Tell your father bravely to inform the father of the man who proposed to you and then see what to do.

 Many youth opted for the third choice saying that Allah accepts repentance and so should the society.  The Prophet was reported to have said that Allah extends His Hands at night so that the sinners of the day may repent, and extends His Hands in the daytime for the sinners of the night to repent.  In the hadith[3] it was narrated that Allah says, “Whoever draws nearer to me by the span of his hand, I draw nearer to him by the length of a cubit..”  Allah also descends every night to the lowest heaven, in the last third of the night, and says, “Is there a seeker of forgiveness so that I may forgive him? ...”  It was reported in the hadith that Allah is pleased with the repentance of His servant.

Unfortunately, society is unmerciful and never forgives or forgets, Conversely,, the society shares the responsibility in this sin because it does not offer the couple the chance, or the financial capabilities or the employment to enable them to get married.  Society should be merciful because Allah is the Ever- Merciful and The Effacer of sins.

The unhealthy society is the society that takes revenge from the sinners until their hearts toughen like iron or leads them to commit further sins, commit suicide, or get depressed. We need a healthy society, which forgives and accommodates a repentant heading in the right direction.  All the sacred sayings of Allah stress the significance of repentance. Repentance is the key to start a new page with Allah and strengthen ones’ ties with Him and when this happens, He will never leave you and will always support you.

The second question was for the parents: What would they do if they find out that their daughters have committed such a sin?  Some fathers and brothers answered very brutally and aggressively and opted for beating the girl.  Most of them chose to sit with their daughters calmly, discuss the issue, and try to figure out a solution.  This is the most mature and effective way to deal with the problem in general.  Beating and aggression will not repair the mistake; it will only worsen it and lead to further complications. Parents must embrace their daughters and give them the emotion they need to survive through a trial like this.

In conclusion, it is extremely important for parents to embrace their children lovingly and be supportive and try to accommodate their children more..  Parents, bring your children up on faith and trust.  Acceptance or rejection of such a abased type of marriage usually comes from the girls eventually, the girls must realize their true worth and value and never stoop that low.

 Young men must be merciful and never play such a dirty game that would end in misery and bitterness.  They must always remember that this calamity could happen to their sisters, too.  Our Muslim youth should be occupied to be able to turn their backs to such sins, invest their time and pent-up energy in committing yourself to a cause, and exert your efforts in upraising your Ummah (Muslim nation) rather than committing adultery and sins! May Allah protect you and guard you from all harm, and always remember, the door for repentance is always open for anybody if he or she repents sincerely and Allah always accepts repentance.

[1] Orfi marriage: informal marriage or unregistered marriage, usually conducted by signing a paper or by cassette recording, etc.

[2] SWT = Suhanahu wa Ta'ala  [Glorified and Exalted Be He].

[3] The Prophet’s actual sayings or actions as narrated by his companions