Paradise in Our Homes - II
Episode 6
‘Orfi Marriage: An Approach to Reach a Solution
In the name of Allah, the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS).
We’ve started discussing the problems which cause the heart to ache and make families suffer. Today we continue our discussion to know how to deal with such problems.
In the last episode we discussed the ’orfi marriage and pointed out that, unfortunately, there is a high percentage of our girls in colleges and high schools, who are married ’orfi. We are focusing upon and highlighting the ‘orfi marriage in these two stages only (high school and college).
It is worthwhile mentioning that women in general have more control over their selves and are stronger than men, especially in those issues. Women have the key thereto of which they are aware, and in these situations men are weaker.
Since you girls are more powerful and in control, we suggest that the solution is to fill your time with useful deeds. Volunteer in charity, help the orphans, support widows, assist handicaps, work in charitable organizations, set great goals, play sports, find a job, … etc. The most important thing is to be busy in doing useful things and to never be idle. Being idle and having nothing to do is the main reason behind such problems. You can get back to the previous episode where all such details were discussed.
We receive thousands of emails weekly at www.amrkhaled.net, as well as phone calls from girls who are suffering from the consequences of this marriage. They are seeking help and asking for solutions for their problems. I have chosen some of those problems to demonstrate them to the society. Let’s discuss this case, a girl has already been married ‘orfi. Let’s see what she can do and how her family will react. In today’s episode I won’t just solve the problem. Instead it will be an interactive session so that we can find together a solution.
A discussion will be posted on the website as well, and we shall be waiting for your suggestions and ideas for a solution. Next week and according to your feedback plus today’s conclusion, we can come up with an appropriate solution.
Let’s use a different approach to make the discussion more fruitful. We’ve chosen one of the emails sent by a girl who is actually married ‘orfi. We created something called “situation”, which describes a subject for studying. Then we suggested several different solutions to it. We shall listen to people who chose different solutions in order to know the reason behind their choices.
The situation is as follows. A girl wrote, “I’m a girl who was married ‘orfi a few years ago. I discovered later the wrong that I‘ve done and immediately terminated this marriage. I sincerely repented to Allah, and since that time on, I have become sincere in all aspects of life. I’ve kept it as a secret from my family until I graduated from college. Many years later; a very good person proposed to me and my family accepted him. I’m now in pain suffering from my old sin, what should I do?”
This was a painful email which I transformed into a written story (situation) with several suggestions for a solution. First, She should tell him from the very beginning the whole truth and discuss with him the problem frankly and sincerely. Second, She should totally hide it and keep it as a secret; since Allah has concealed her fault, she shouldn’t reveal the secret until she gets married. Third, She should extend the engagement period until he makes sure that she is a faithful, respectable and well-mannered girl, and then tell him just before marriage takes place. Fourth, She should bravely tell her father and ask him to talk frankly to his father, to respect themselves as a family.
Now we will start a discussion and see who chose what and why. This situation is created not for fun, but for mutual benefit. Three people chose the first solution. Five chose the second solution. Ten chose the third solution, and also ten chose the fourth.
Huda (one of the audience) suggested a way of thinking for problem solving.
Huda said that before choosing a solution we must first determine the goal, what we want to achieve, and write down all the factors that help achieving such a goal. Then we should look through each suggested solution and see how much of each factor this solution can provide. Then the solution with the highest number of factors will be the correct one.
This shows us that there isn’t just a single solution to the problem. On the other hand there are several solutions that are appropriate for several goals. According to the goal, the solution is chosen. The goal we want to reach here is for the girl to start a new happy life with her lawful husband through a registered marriage.
For those who chose the first solution, we’d like that one of them tell us the reason behind choosing it.
One of the audience said that the girl should be brave enough to admit her faults and be responsible for her mistakes. She should be sincere and honest. Another one commented that if there were several men proposing and she explained to each and every one of them, she’ll expose herself in front of all of them. That would indeed embarrass her.
Adopting the first choice indicates her honesty. Nevertheless, it might cause that the girl would never get married.
Faith is a state of the heart that may occur to any person. It is not exclusive to a type of people. This girl, in her moment of repentance and regret, can be really sincere more than many of those who claim to be religious and sincere believers. The society should have mercy for this girl, and should not accuse her of being sinful forever. It is something she did in the past and is truly regretting it. Where is the mercy?
In discussion of the second solution of totally hiding this matter, one of the audience said that she supports it because the girl has repented and became a better person.
Is a healthy society one that accepts people’s repentance? Allah, the lord of the worlds, accepts people’s repentance. So why wouldn’t the society accept? A society that doesn’t accept the person because of his past sins is an ill society. The healthy society that really believes in Allah must know that Allah has opened the door for repentance.
Regarding the third solution that entails prolongation of the engagement period and revealing her secret just before marriage, my comment is that it is impracticable since a woman isn't generally able to hide such secrets. It would always irritate her, feeling that she’s hiding something.
As for the fourth solution, one said that she should tell her father, who will be there to support her. Another one added that she’ll expose herself in front of her father, and both families shall accuse her of being sinful.
Someone added that the proposing man won’t appreciate her frankness, but her father should know.
I’d like to say that there are rules and basics by which we should abide while choosing the solution. I’m not going to give a solution in this episode. You can participate in the discussion posted in the forum on www.amrkhaled.net and tell us which solution you think is best for achieving the goal. We shall add a phone number for those who don’t have an internet connection so that they can share.
Also there is a survey on the website that is for boys only. If you were in the boy’s shoes and you are sure that the girl has sincerely repented and has become really serious, will you marry her? Say yes or no.
Before ending this episode, there is one last situation for fathers. The situation is: assuming you are a father or an elder brother of three girls. The eldest is a girl, it's her first year in college. You discovered accidentally that your daughter or sister has been married ‘orfi for more than six months to a boy at college with her. All the family now knows about it. You were shocked because your daughter or sister is so polite, well-mannered and intelligent, and all the family knows that. When you confronted her she cried and could not justify her act. What will be the right thing to do as a father or a brother?
You have three choices. Beat her strongly and hurt her feelings so that she might realize what she has done, then punish her by forbidding her from going out of the house till her exams start. This way you’ll teach her and her sisters a lesson. Or no beating. Instead you gather the whole family and tell her in front of them how disappointed you are in her, and that you won’t speak to her for an unknown period of time, till she fixes up her mess. Or, sit and talk to her tenderly as a father or a brother to be able to understand the case calmly. Then take her to the boy and his parents, and sit all together as grown up people to find a solution for that problem. Or, claim that it is the mother’s fault because she was unaware of what her daughter was doing while you were at work. So the solution will be that the mother calls the boy’s mother and works out a solution with her, either by arranging for a registered marriage or a formal divorce.
Which one do you choose as a father or a brother? 17% of our girls, 17 in every 100 families, are suffering from this problem! Please contact us and help in finding a solution.
It’s unfair to say that it’s the fault of the boy and the girl only. Rather, it’s the responsibility of the whole society; a society and a government that have no activities to fill up the youth’s spare time.
We are waiting for your responses on the site and the phone. The next episode we shall tell how we can address this problem.
Peace be upon you.
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