Paradise in Our Homes - II
Episode 5
In the name of Allah, the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS).
Welcome, we resume together Part II of the "Paradise in Our Homes" program. In Ramadan, during the first part of this program, we discussed how family relations should be. Some people saw that this was far from the reality we were experiencing; that it was too idealistic; and that it did not tackle current problems. However, this was a deliberate choice. We meant to start from the basics; how Allah wants families to be. We wanted to draw the picture of how we should be, thus we discussed husband-wife affection, parent-child relation, being dutiful to one’s parents, father-son friendship, etc. We were setting up the standards for family ties. After Ramadan ended, it was time to start tackling current problems.
Let us now discuss family problems, especially the problems that youth experience. First of all, let us confess that no family is without problems. Allah’s wisdom in creating humans is represented in subjecting them to ibtila’ (trials and tribulations). Allah says what can be translated as “…And We try you with evil and charity (or: good) for a temptation…” (TMQ, 21: 35). Allah created us and made those trials and tribulations part of our existence.
If this program is called “Paradise in Our Homes”, it is meant to show you how to enter paradise through being able to handle those trials and tribulations in your home. There are two key factors to help you face your home troubles; patience and contentment; they are your path to paradise. A woman who is ill-treated by her husband and is obliged to endure this for her children’s sake or for any other social reason; her patience is her way to paradise. A widow who has lost her husband and decides to give up her right to remarry in order to raise her children then finds herself old and alone; her feelings of contentment and patience may become her way to paradise. A father who finds out that his son is a drug addict or parents who discover that their daughter has involved herself in an Unregistered Marriage (zawaj ‘urfi) and are ashamed or parents who have a retarded child; all those problems are beyond one’s power and must be dealt with with patience and contentment.
Now let us discuss today’s problem which we shall tackle in 3 episodes. It is a problem that has spread over the past decade among girls in high schools and universities. I dedicate this episode faithfully, may Allah the Almighty accept this deed, to speak to girls in high schools and universities, asking them to please hear me out. I call out to those who are listening to this episode to download it from www.amrkhaled.net and distribute it on all girls in high schools and universities. We want to protect our girls before a catastrophe befalls them; it is the problem of Unregistered Marriage which has spread all over the Arab world among girls in high schools and universities, especially in Egyptian universities.
Let us start this discussion off with a daringness that suits its catastrophic consequences. This phenomenon (i.e., Unregistered Marriage) existed 10 years ago, but in a different form. It used to take place among widows who were receiving their late husbands’ pensions and desired to remarry without losing this income. These women used to maneuver around the law by getting married without officially registering their new marriage (an Unregistered Marriage or zawaj ‘urfi). It also used to be among divorced mothers who wanted to remarry without the knowledge of their ex-husbands so that they do not deprive them of their children’s custody. In addition to this, it used to happen among men who were married, yet wanted to marry for the second time without disrupting their family arrangement but feared their first wives’ anger. These examples are not what I aim to discuss today; they are not the ones addressed in this episode. May be future episodes can be dedicated to these cases. This subject here is different, however.
I am talking about girls in high schools and universities, not about mature ladies, widows, divorcees or married men. Let us make it clear and agree on the fact that the issue we are discussing in this episode is the Unregistered Marriage of girls in high schools and universities and its circumstances do not apply to other cases. This episode shall discuss three points: how Unregistered Marriage among young girls and boys takes place, a word of advice to girls, and proposing a “what if” situation that we can answer on amrkhaled.net.
How Unregistered Marriage among Young Men and Girls Takes Place:
What happens is that a boy and a girl in high school or in university have a growing love relationship, so they decide to get married immediately because they cannot wait till graduation and they fear that their parents may disapprove of their marriage. They get a piece of paper --may be even from their lecture notebook or buy a yellowed form that is sold nowadays on the streets outside the gates of universities with the heading “Unregistered Marriage Contract”. They fill it out and ask two of their same-age friends to sign as witnesses of this event. Their parents have no idea of what they did and marriage is a secret not announced to others.
Please allow me to say that the most miserable girl on earth is she who falls in for Unregistered Marriage without being aware of the consequences. In this episode we call for her to wake up before losing herself. I have been receiving calls and e-mails for 10 years about many subjects, the most important of which is this one. I dare say infront of all viewers that this marriage is illegal. They call it conventional marriage; but conventional means that people have agreed upon it and it has become one of society’s conventions. This is a totally wrong name because Unregistered Marriage is made in secret and lacks the most important factor of marriage: a father’s consent.
To illustrate, I will tell you the current rates published in Al-Ahram Newspaper, dated 29/5/2007 under the headline, “Beware Parents; Unregistered Marriage Besieges University Students”. The article states that 17% of high school and university girls have entered into Unregistered Marriage contracts. The Egyptian Social Cooperation Society announced that the actual figures greatly exceed this number. Do you know what 17% means? It means that 17 out of every 100 girls are involved in Unregistered Marriages. Seventeen out of every 100 girls and their families will live miserably for many years to come.
You may ask what drives young men and girls to do such a thing? Young men may say that the reason is desperation or lack of financial means to support a real marriage. Young girls may say that they are imitating the majority of their friends. They may also state “love” as the main reason for this act and the fear that their parents may not approve of their love, so it is their own way to force their parents to accept their marriage. Some may even be rich but do not wish to wait till graduation and know that their parents will not approve of any kind of engagement while they are still in school.
I say that the real reasons are: 1) The economic conditions and the unemployment that youth suffer from, 2) shattered family bonds (where is the parent-child friendship?), and 3) feelings of emptiness (with no goals, youth potential goes to waste). These in my opinion are the reasons for Unregistered Marriage.
Now I would like to point out how this story ends. The young man starts to evade his resposibilities towards his so-called unregistered wife. After 6 months or more, he starts to get bored and she starts to feel insecure. He starts to escape and she starts to chase him with her requests to officialy propose to her family. He escapes more and she humiliates herself more. He starts evading her politely by ignoring her calls and being absent from university and she starts harrassing him and insisting on officially registering their marriage and making it public. He starts scolding her and avoids her more conspicuously to which she responds with more self-humiliation. She ends up by threatening him with the Unregistered Marriage contract and he ends up by threatening her of ruining her reputation.
This scenario is repeated thousands of times and when girls who have such problems send me e-mails narrating their stories, I do not have to go through the whole message as I already know the rest. This episode is a message to girls in high schools and universities: Please do not do this, you will ruin your future and bring misery to yourself and your family.
To prove the repulsiveness of Unregistered Marriage, let me read to you one of the e-mails sent to me by a girl who has fallen for such an illusion. She wrote, “The most stupid moment of my life was when I agreed to marry a mediocre man who was my colleague at university. Of course at first, I felt that he was the best person in the whole world; kind, considerate and funny. I found myself imitating my friends, moving like a sheep in a herd and marrying him with an Unregistered Marriage contract. We bought a piece of paper called, “A Marriage Contract” that was sold infront of the university. Suddenly, I became a wife. On the first day of our marriage, I felt sick and wanted to vomit; remorse and regret started from that very first moment. I began to wonder why I did this. I have hated myself since that day and hated this person more than anyone on earth, but it was too late. Afterwards, I stayed a whole month at home without going to university, crying myself out every day. Later, I found out that he got married again to another colleague and no one knew of our marriage except the two of us and two witnesses whom I was not able to locate because they were his friends. I felt the awfulness of my deed. I became unable to face my family, talk to them or even eat with them; I felt that I had betrayed them. Then a decent, young man proposed to me. He had a good job, no flaws and my family were pleased with him. For the first time in my life, I felt that I have found my prince charming and I was head over heals with joy. However, I had to deliberately ill-treat him and push him to dislike me till he got bored and left; I lost him. Three years have passed now since my Unregistered Marriage incident. I have graduated since and I am currently working in a reputable bank. Many of my colleagues try to express their admiration to me, but I cannot help it, I have to push them away. Am I going to stay like this forever? Please tell me, should I marry and risk being mailed by this young man, if he ever appeared again? Or will I stay like this till I lose my youth and beauty? Or should I kill him to rid the world of his evil?”
I will reply to this message in the next episode, but I am narrating to you here a disaster. I am sorry to tell you that Al-Ahram Newspaper in the same issue that we talked about says that the outcome of this kind of marriage is nearly 14,000 illegal babies. Please wake up people, ladies, parents and governments! A call to the media which spreads video clip songs full of images provoking the lust of young men who do not possess the financial means to marry. Governments! Please involve young men in projects and national causes as an outlet for their energies and power. Parents! Look out for your
girls.
A Word of Advice to Girls:
Girls, please, I want to highlight 5 points; memorize them and pay attention to them. You will find those points written on amrkhaled.net; print them and distribute them to girls at universities. Five points to save you from Unregistered Marriage:
1- Intimate relations outside of the sacred bond of official, announced marriage end in remorse and despair. A man’s sexual desire resembles all his other desires, like hunger and thirst, when they are fulfilled, he no loger wants them. Allah has established the sacred bond of “a publicly known” marriage to protect and preserve women’s rights. If a man no longer desires his wife sexually, he will think of their marriage bond and their childen and this will prevent him from leaving her. Allah has honored women by establishing this marriage bond. All affairs outside the announced official marriage will certainlly fail.
2- Men do not respect cheap women; do not ever humiliate yourself. An easy to get woman is never respected by a man, especially the Middle-Eastern man. Allah has honored ladies and ranked them high. A man has to ask the girl’s parents for her hand in marriage. Her father must approve and her dowery must be paid in order for him to feel how precious she is. Marriage must be announced amidst a large number of people so that a man feels how serious the marriage bond is. Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was heard to have ordered the announcement of marriage and the beating drums to let all people acknowledge this marriage. Islam has honored you and made you so precious, do not humiliate yourself. If he wants you, he should officially propose to your family and if he cannot financially, then you may wait for him till he can.
3- Do not ever lose the presence of your father in your marriage. The Unregistered Marriage deprives you of the most important armour you have: your father. The girl suffers twice when she realizes her mistake; once because she discovers that she was misled by the young man she fell in love with and the other because she feels she deceived her father and is unable now to tell him or even to obtain his help in her disaster.
4- How could you betray your family and still live with your brothers and sisters in the same home and eat with them at the same table? Allah says what can be translated as “O you who have believed, do not betray Allah and the Messenger, and do not betray your deposits and you know that” (TMQ, 8: 27). It was narrated that a man asked Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) when the Day Judgement will take place, to which the Prophet (SAWS) replied that it will take place when deposits are wasted and betrayed. It was also narrated that the Prophet (SAWS) said that on the Day of Judgement, when people are walking on the path to paradise; kinship ties will be standing on one side and deposits will be standing on the other side claiming their right from those who wasted them. Imagine yourself in this position.
5- The two most important elements that a woman wants her husband to consider in marriage are respecting her and her family and providing her with a sense of reassurance and security. Those elements cannot exist in an Unregistered Marriage. Her family is not worth a thing to him and how can he respect a girl who came too easy to him?!
I have a word of advice to young men. Do you accept this to happen to your own sister? A young man sent me an e-mail telling me that he was confessing to his sister that he had entered into an Unregistered Marriage union. After a year he found out that his sister too had gotten married with an unregistered contract and that her husband did to her the same things her brother had done to that other girl before. He was thinking of revenge but could not decide whether to take his revenge out on himself or on that person who deceived his sister. Allah took His revenge on both of them. Allah says what can be translated as “…And benignancy is not to come up to the homes from their backs; but benignancy is for man to be pious; and come up to the homes by their doors, and be pious towards Allah, so that possibly you would prosper” (TMQ, 2: 189). How great is the Qur’an.
Last word to all who have fallen in this problem. Repentence; it is not too late to repent.
Girls why forbid yourselves from having the joy of wearing your wedding dress, enjoying the happiness of announcing your marriage in your wedding party, and choosing your new home furniture. Within the current economic state I cannot tell you more than be patient and wait, you will take all your share in life. Keep yourself busy working in charity organizations, join the Life Makers Society and help us there.
Peace and Allah's mercy and blessings be upon you.
TMQ=Translation of the Meaning of the Qur'an. This translation is for the realized meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah:Ayah) of the Qur'an. Reading the translated meaning of the Qur'an can never replace reading it in Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.
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