Paradise in Our Homes

 Episode 17 

Look for punishment’s alternatives

In the name of Allah[1], the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful.

Last episode we were talking about punishing, how wrong it is to punish and how badly can punishment infect your child personality.  We gave several examples proving this idea.

We are here today to stress on the fact that punishment is not the only way of education likewise, emotion alone, is not the proper way.  Punishing is the very last resort you can refer to after trying all and every other alternatives.  Those alternatives are more effective and meanwhile, will help you maintain the family bond and unit.

Let me gave you examples.  Let me show you the first alternative.  An alternative that you will find strange, you probably will not like and you may consider it as indulgence and treat while it is indeed a very serious one with great and deep effects.  I am talking about forgiveness.  How you can educate your son by forgiving him for his mistakes while you are quite able to punish him.  We are talking about positive forgiveness: the one you practice when you explain to your son that you know that he is mistaken, you are sad, you can easily punish him but instead, you’ll let it go, you’ll forgive him.

The ayah[2] is very clear in this subject, Allah says what can be translated as, "… and (are) the repressors of (their) rage, and are the clement towards (their) fellow-men; (Literally: mankind) and Allah loves the fair-doers." (TMQ[3], 3:134).  How can it be logical that we are applying this ayah with strangers and cannot do the same with our own children? If you are unable to forgive your own children, how will you be able to do it with others? In addition, why are you considering your son as a stupid incompetent person who would not understand and appreciate the meaning and value of your forgiveness? Why are you considering forgiveness as an inefficient educational way?

Let me give you another alternative, a very intelligent, very simple one and which is also related to our earlier talk about emotion as educational way.  Focus on your own feeling: do not talk to him about his mistake, do not blame him, and do not shout at him, instead talk about yourself.  About your disappointment in yourself as a father, in the sacrifices you made for him, in your educational way that led him to such mistake, etc.  This alternative is very effective do not take it slightly.  Such alternative touch the hearts of youth.  It shakes them considerably and marks them deeply.  Young people are not stubborn as you think, and once touched they change.

You can easily give your son the smile showing that you are sad and this simple smile can be more effective and powerful than any other punishment.

Do you really believe that the punishment is effective? That when you punish your son he is really gaining profit of it? Actually, he is only wondering why you are treating him this way. He can get in a phase of rejection and decide to do all that you are keeping him from doing.

There are alternatives, but we are only doing it the easy way.  We are using the power we have in our hand – as parents – to easily punish.  Punishing takes you nowhere; it will give you no profit.  Other methods will give you more profit: forgiveness will at least give you the gratitude of your son.  Focusing on your own emotions and feelings will make your son feel much culpability that he will definitely try to change himself and stop doing these mistakes.

Sometimes, a sad smile is more powerful than a punishment because through it you are focusing on your emotions instead of blaming or discussing “his” mistake.  The Prophet (SAWS[4]) was using this method.  Anas Ibn-Malek was the Prophet’s servant; he was ten to eleven years old.  True he was a servant but the Prophet (SAWS) treated and educated him as a son.  He relates that he served the Prophet (SAWS) for ten years and never did he (SAWS) tell him the smallest word of anger.  He (SAWS) never questioned his wrong actions and never blamed him for undone jobs.  How is that?

I personally used to wonder when reading this hadith[5], how was he (SAWS) educating him then? I used to think that education requires dos and don’ts until I realized that there are other alternatives.  Other alternatives are more efficient and that is why our Prophet (SAWS) did not need any yelling or blaming.  Thus, when I tell you that punishment is not an effective way, I am getting it from our Prophet (SAWS) before psychology which is also telling the same.  Sure you can use punishment but it has to be the very last resort.

When we are using and expressing our emotions with our sons, we are getting more control on them than when we severely punish them. That's because by then we are controlling there hearts. Your son will be admiring and respecting you, because he knows that you love him you respect him, you appreciate him, and you forgive him.  He will love you and consequently he will never do something he knows it will make you sad.  Love can make you control your children more than fear, than power and than punishment.

The third alternative we have is a very nice one: instead of punishing; stimulate: motivate and encourage to success.

One mother used to face a problem with her teenage children manners on table.  She tried everything, advice, calm talk, lecturing, and even punishment.  No way.  They never maintain their manners and used to embarrass her in any social gathering.  One day, sitting on table she announced a competition.  A prize for whom-ever will maintain his good manner on table for one month.  After this month, her children were used to good manners applications.

This alternative: stimulating instead of attacking is very powerful and effective.

Here are some other alternatives:

Forgiveness: He will belong to you.

Focus on your emotions: Show your sorrow.  If he loves you, it will be greater than life.  Give him emotion in return he will give you mind and soul and present you all that you wish from him.  While punishment will only produce hate and create isolated island, teach him how to lie and avoid the subjects, etc.

Try and fix the problem with him: a very good way indeed, instead of punishment, try and fix the problem with him.  Let us try to adjust it together, fix the problem and I (parent) will help you.  This help offered to the mistaken person will turn the parent to a friend.  Let me tell you a story: A young boy of twelve years old with his friend found the door of the swimming pool area at the club opened at night. They went in and started to through all towels and chairs in the pool.  In their way out, his father felt that there is something wrong.  He asked but the boy insisted there is nothing and his friend left.  Once at home, the father asked the boy calmly and promised him he will not punish him if he told him the truth.  The boy did. When he heard, the first reaction of the father was to tell him that he will beat him.  The boy reminded him of his promised and explained that this is exactly why he didn’t want to tell him and that he will never ever tell him anything again.

The father was awaken with these words and decided to refer to other alternative. First, he expressed his disappointment and his sadness not only for himself but for the worker of the swimming pool who will suffer the next morning fixing every thing in place.  The boy was very touched but thought it was done though. Here the father referred to the fourth alternative we are talking about, he mentioned the solution: let us fix it together. They both went back to the club with the boy’s friend and they spent the night fishing the chairs and towels from the swimming pool and putting them in their right places. Once done, they left. All the way home the father kept silent. This silence was more painful to the boy than any punishment no matter how harsh it would have been.

A very important point that we should always consider: Never to humiliate or embarrass our children in front of their friends, relatives, someone he loves or cares for, etc.  Always treat them respectfully specially in the presence of any other person even his/her brothers or sisters.

Special meetings: Another alternative that you should refer to in case you tried all the other ones.  If your son is nervous those days more than usual, if his mistakes are getting bigger and complaints from him are more frequent, fix a date for a special meeting between you both only. Our Prophet (SAWS) used to do so.  If you read the seerah (the biography of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) carefully, you will find many stories where the Prophet (SAWS) took one of his companions in a walk or out of town to discuss certain matter with him.  Those special meetings are useful in listening and understanding the other person problems or ideas.

After all those examples, I think that no one will refer to punishment.  Whatever, if you are insisting, and in order not to upset parents lets have a deal in case you will still be using punishment:

1.      You will have right to only three punishments per month.

2.      Use the one, two, three method. i.e., use a certain code between your son and yourself. After three times of mistakes you will call him and apply the punishment you both have agreed on before.

3.      No beat allowed whatsoever.

4.      Do not punish while in anger.  If you do so, you will surely make a mistake and regret it. Your son will also feel that you are only busting out on him.  It will not repair a thing and even if it will, your son will still carry anger towards you.

5.      Review your intention.  Why are you really punishing your son? Are you punishing him looking for his reparation and guidance or is it only because you are angry with/from him?

6.      Finally, and this is a very important point indeed: always explain to your son why he is punished.  Make it clear that you love him and that is why you are punishing him.  You are worried and protecting him from so and so. This explanation will stop the false ideas from getting into his head, ideas such as: your father does not like you; he is mistreating you, etc.

Still, and after those six points I mentioned I really do not want you to use punishment.  All the alternatives and examples mentioned in this episode are available on the website: www.amrkhaled.net.  My intension in this episode is that I love children and youth very much, I want them happy.  We also want to educate real men able to lead this nation.  The revival of this ummah (Muslim nation) is attainable with great, great youth that only need somebody to listen to.  This youth if treated properly, with love, respect and admiration, if it will find the friend and model father and mother, then be sure that this nation will lead the world.  That is why we choose the month of Ramadan to treat this subject: we are all ready to listen, understand and apply.  If those principles applied and the youth is well educated, we will achieve our goal of revival.

Next episode we will start the rights of parent. 

I do not want any of the youth watching this program to go after this episode telling their parents that they are mistaken.  On the contrary, I want them to appreciate them.  To understand that by their parents blessing they are gaining the blessing from Allah.  Even if they are mistreating you, they are still your parents and you should show them all the love and respect, you will be blessed.

Allah immediately answers a mother supplication for her son with an attending heart and a teardrop running down on her cheeks.  

I want youth to take the first move, the first step.  Contact your father; try to befriend him.  Ask him to a walk; to a special meeting where you will ask for his advice.  Present him a special present showing that you care. 

I ask Allah's forgiveness for us all.

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