Paradise in Our Homes
Episode 12
The language of emotion
comes before the language of reason
In the Name of Allah,
the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon
Prophet Muhammad (SAWS).
This episode revolves around the
parents-children relationship and the language by which they should communicate.
First, let us recall that the purpose of this show is for us to achieve the
closest thing to Paradise in our homes and to learn how to truly enjoy spending
time with our families, children and spouses. A healthy family is the building
brick of a healthy society and it is only when we reform the state of our
families that we can start seeing any improvement in the future generations of
our nation.
Our question today is: which language comes
first, the language of reason or the language of emotions and sentiment? Indeed,
the language of sentiment should feature high on the family's agenda for Allah
has made man's home the abode of warmth and emotions. Allah has created us and
assigned to us the mission of reforming earth; a tough mission and a hardship
which the heavens, earth and mountains refused to carry out. However,
Allah has made our home and family our resort and our outlet for our emotions in
which we can satisfy our capacity to love fruitfully. Mankind was created with
four forms of love deep-rooted within him and they are:
1-
Love between a man
and a wife.
2-
Parental love for
children
3-
Children’s love for
their parents.
4-
Love among children
The expression of these emotions is
essential for one to move on with one's life successfully. The human being does
not reach maturity all of a sudden. It takes one at least a 12-year span
of time in order to be brought up with true love and care, acquire memories,
nurture morals and principles and enjoy tenderness. This emphasizes the
significant role of emotions in bringing up our children.
Father and child now communicate without in
fact truly communicating because the conversation has become too dependent on
logical reasoning and critical instruction, rather than appealing to each
other’s emotions and hearts first. Such languages of communication between
parents and children, namely that of reasoning or of criticism stripped of all
emotion, is fruitless and renders the child defiant and stubborn. We have been
trying to unlock a door with the very same key for many years on stretch without
successfully opening the door – it is time we realize that the key is not
working; we need to find a new key to our children’s hearts and souls! To win
the hearts of our children. We need to appeal to them emotionally first
and then everything else follows.
Prophet Muhammad's language in educating
his companions and the ummah:
- Once Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)
addressed Mu'ath swearing to him {the latter} that he loved him while holding
his hand tight. Afterwards, he taught him to say “O! Allah, help me always
remember you, thank you and worship You as You deserve” after every prayer.
Mu'ath never forgot that lesson thanks to the sentiment that heralded it. The
whole ummah now knows these words and repeats them after prayers; Mu'aath taught
these words to the whole ummah. Indeed, emotion is the faster way to one’s
soul than reasoning.
- Juraij's mother used to call for him while
he was performing voluntary prayers and he never answered and continued praying.
However, the Prophet later revealed it was better in Allah’s view that Juraij
answered his mother’s call and served her than continued his prayers.
Sometimes a father and son walking hand in
hand and living in a peaceful home with loving family members are better to
Allah than plenty of voluntary prayers and fasting. Many of our household
problems would dissolve if we would start communicating with emotions first than
reason. Many parents communicate with their children by criticizing them first
or giving them lectures then show their emotions and love at the end. This
is the wrong order and is not usually as effective as appealing to the emotions
first.
- Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) once told
Abu-Umamah that his heart softened when he saw some people, and that he –
Abu-Umamah – was one of them. Then he advised him to salute his family members
when he entered the house as a polite gesture and Abu-Umamah never forgot to do
so since then.
It was the Prophet’s method of education:
heralding by an expression of tenderness and compassion and then following it by
an instruction of any sort – anything after such a tender expression of
endearment and love becomes more acceptable and tolerable, even if it is harsh
criticism.
- Ibn Mas’ud narrated that the Prophet (SAWS)
used to teach him “tashahud”
by repeating it and asking him to repeat it after him, with the Prophet’s hand
in Ibn Mas’ud’s hand. Such simple acts of endearment and tender care are
essential for us to break the ice and melt the barriers within our families.
- The Prophet (SAWS) perceived that
Ibn-Abbaas, who was still so young, was very brilliant and foresaw a great man
in him one day. And so, he once hugged him and held him tight and prayed
for him whispering in Ibn-Abbas’s ear that Allah would make him a learned man in
religion and fiqh (jurisprudence). It was after 20 years from that day that he
became Omar Ibnul-Khataab’s counselor. The Prophet indirectly and very gently
advised Ibn-Abbaas to focus on learning the fiqh and religion without using any
form of strict instruction.
We must learn from these stories and treat
our children similarly. There is always a tendency to focus on the Prophet from
the military perspective, why don’t we learn from his social tactfulness and
skills in communication?
- Islam came in a tribal environment which
was far from the ethics and morals of Islam and therefore when the Prophet
wanted to address the people and teach them on certain sensitive and
embarrassing issues such as the decencies of going to the bathroom and of
cleanliness, the Prophet (SAWS) achieved it tactfully and respectfully by
first appealing to the emotions of his listeners- by emphasizing that he was
like their own fathers and that he loved for them what he loved for himself.
Thus the language of emotion can do miracles
in the communication between parents and children if we just learn how to be
more emotionally tactful. If only we express our love regularly to our
family members and adopt very simple acts of endearment and caresses.
Allah says in the Qur’an what can be
translated as, “…and if you had been
stern (and) harsh of heart, they would indeed have broken away from round about
you…” (TMQ,
3:159). This verse does not only apply
to nations and their leaders, but it equally applies to us as family members –
parents, children, brothers and sisters. Our youth need to learn to be more
lenient and loving with their parents, and to express their inner feelings.
They should remind their mothers and fathers how much they love them with
meaningful gestures. This is, in fact, the key to establishing a firmer and
healthier family.
The Qur’an relates to us the story of the
three men who did not march out with Prophet Muhammad for Tabuk’s
expedition although they were capable of doing so. Their punishment was
that they were abandoned by all Muslims for 50 days until they were redeemed.
This can be a constructive method of punishment, and the most painful ever.
Allah says about them in the Qur’an what can be translated as,
“And to the three who were left staying behind, until, when the
earth, spacious as it is, became strait for them, and their selves became strait
for them, and they expected that there was no shelter from Allah except in Him;
thereafter He relented towards them that they might repent; surely Allah, He,
Ever He, is The Superbly Relenting, The Ever-Merciful.” (TMQ, 9:118)
Once the emotional bond is established between
people, it will only take a look into one’s eye to understand what he feels and
wants to say – this is the level of mutual understanding and love we wish to
achieve within family. If we can successfully establish this emotional bond, a
sad or disappointed look in a father’s eyes and being abandoned by those who
love you most becomes the most unbearable punishment for a son/daughter, and is
in fact the most constructive and the least aggressive.
In the Battle of Khaibar, the Muslims were starved
and the Prophet (SAWS) had ordered that if any of them comes across any
food, it shall be shared amongst all of them equally. One of the companions,
Abs-Ibn-Jabr, came across some grease and bits of meat, and his hunger betrayed
him and he desired to keep it all for himself but the Prophet (SAWS)
walked into him and gave him a sad and blaming smile. Abs-Ibn-Jabr quickly grew
ashamed of himself and he hurried to the other Muslims addressing them loudly
that he has found meat. It only took one glance from the Prophet to awaken his
conscience. This is how we want to treat and communicate with our youth.
A survey in the US about the parents-child
relationship asked 500 parents if they loved their children and the answer was
"Of course" but when the children were asked if their parents loved them, some
said “I do not know”, others said “I think so” and the majority opted for "Of
course but they never show it". Fortunately, we are not like the West in
these issues. Our culture is known for its stronger and warmer familial
relationships, but we are letting these values fall apart, and we need to pay
heed to that before it is too late. There must be a reciprocal expression of
emotions amongst family members.
Principle of today’s episode:
The language of emotion comes before the
language of reason.
Parents are required to:
Loosen up with their children and give way
to their emotions and express them to make their children feel them.
Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) once interrupted a
jumu'ah prayer
sermon to carry his two kids who were
stumbling on their robes as they were entering the mosque. He was never too
proud to reveal his emotions and we should do the same. Parents need to melt
the barriers and engage with their children in different activities in order
that we may be able to establish a stronger bond of love.
Children are required to:
Interact with their parents more lovingly
and participate in relieving the tensions between themselves and their parents.
They must remember to explicitly reveal their emotions and love to their parents
in simple gestures and caresses of endearment.
