Paradise in our Homes
Episode 8
In the Name of Allah[1],
The All-Merciful, The Ever-Merciful. All Praises be to Allah, Lord of the
worlds. Prayers and peace be upon Allah’s Messenger Muhammad (SAWS)[2].
Welcome back and let us continue talking about paradise in our homes.
At the outset, I would like to ask you how you are doing with Ramadan, the
Qur'an, and the family. Are you still keeping the promise to worship Allah
(SWT)[3]
as a family not as individuals? Are you still keeping the promise to pray
qiyam (voluntary night prayer), read the Qur'an, perform
dhikr (the remembrance of
Allah), and feed fasting people at iftar time (the time Muslims
break their fast) together as a family? Are you still keeping the promise to
supplicate in order for your families, not only you as individuals, to be, for
example, set free from the Hell Fire?
Please share us the intention to worship Allah as a family at www.amrkhaled.net.
You can send us your experiences; for example, heroic and valuable family
situations, your grieves and pains, or even your dreams for the family.
The third point is that the program's objective is to set a family rule
everyday; you will be able to find all the rules we set with explanation at
www.amrkhaled.net. Moreover, if you miss an episode, you will find its audio
and video links at the website.
I
see yesterday's episode (The Fundamentality of the Role of the Father) has
gained the admiration of the youth as well as the mothers, for its principle has
been that the fathers should cancel the authorization given by them to mothers
to raise children on their own, and recognize the fact that their children are
in need of them, in addition to their mothers.
As for today's episode, we will discuss the three fundamental roles that should
be played by the father and that constitute the basis of any other role he can
play in the family:
1. The father as a role model.
2. The father as a reviewer of his children.
3. The father as a friend.
It will be said that a father can play many other roles like the terrifying
father, the raising father and the advising father. However, these three
mentioned roles are the basic ones, because a father will be able to control his
children through his tenderness, not through his cruelty to them.
Moreover, there are three important things for a father to fulfill such roles.
These are time, effort, and concentration. You, as a father, should devote part
of your time now to your children and enjoy tranquility of mind, or you would
have to spend much more time saving them from the disasters they fall in while
being very much nervous. In addition, a father must exert effort to build a
successful relationship with his child. Mind you; the relationship between a
mother and her child begins from his early days inside her womb and this makes
it a natural relationship, the secret of which is known by Allah (SWT)
only. On the other hand, the connection between a father and his child begins
with playing with him and expressing love and tenderness to him. Therefore, a
mother does not need to exert extra effort with her child, whereas a father is
deeply in need of exerting an extra effort to establish a strong relation with
his child. This is the reason we concentrate on the role of the father in
this episode.
As for concentration, most of the fathers say that they are very busy at work.
There is something that must be clarified; sometimes a father who is absent
from home for weeks is more observant of his children than that who is at home
with his children everyday but does not give them the due concentration they
need. A father should focus on finding a way to deal with them, a story to tell
them before they go to sleep (and that is what I do with my son by the way), or
through leaving strong impressions on them by going on trips with them for
example.
The Father as a role model:
I
will give you a prescription by which your children can be great people: Keep
silent; but be a role model! Do not preach; rather leave them to observe your
actions as a role model inside and outside home. Preaching is fruitless!
A child once told his mother that the advice his father gives him runs over his
head without practice. Please pay attention that the next two episodes will be
about what children say about their parents. This prescription is more
effective than one thousand lessons or lectures. The reason is that no matter
how many lectures are said in a decaying home none of the pieces of advice will
be put into action. Conversely, whenever the family is safe, even when
everything around it is corrupt, there will be hope for a better society. The
real disaster is when both the family and what surrounds it become rotten to the
root. That is why this program is concentrating on the role of the family. If
you love Allah, safeguard your family; if you love Islam and Allah’s Messenger
(SAWS), take care of your family!
Take care; children observe, and as a result imitate everything you do. They
will imitate your bad deeds. For example, if you humiliate your wife in front
of your son, be sure that he will grow up as someone who never respects women.
If he sees you smoking, he will smoke too and may even take to drugs and if you
show him your selfishness and quick anger, he will acquire the same
characteristics despite his young age. Even when you miss the rules of
etiquette (he will imitate you.
On the other hand, a child imitates his father's good deeds. For instance, if
you are righteous, your child will be righteous too. If you want to teach him
kindness, visit an orphanage in front of him; if you want to teach him fajr
dawn) prayer, let him see you praying it with your wife; and if you want him
to love dua'a supplication), let him see you supplicating together.
Therefore, we encourage you to apply the first rule in our program, namely
worship Allah together, for it is the key to a well-knit family.
Your son is born on the natural disposition as a blank sheet; you
write on it whatever you want. Fill in the sheet with whatever you like, but
remember that you will be either asked toughly about it, or rewarded greatly
because of it on the Day of Judgment.
I
will tell you a story of an inspector who once visited a primary school in a
borderline governorate that is known for smuggling. He asked every child in the
classroom the famous question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" One
of the boys answered, "A smuggler!" and all the pupils burst into laughter.
What was noticeable is that the boy did not laugh; he even did not know the
reason his classmates were laughing; he thought it was something shameless to
say since his father was a smuggler.
Hudhaifa Ibnul-Yaman (RA)[4]
recounted to the Prophet (SAWS) that Quraish had arrested him and never
let go of him until he swore never to fight them. Allah's Messenger (SAWS)
comforted him and congratulated him on his safety. Then, the Battle of Badr
came and the Muslims were only three hundred while the rejecters of faith were
thousand. When the Prophet (SAWS) saw Hudhaifa coming to fight, he
ordered him not to fight and to keep his promise to the Quraishites. This was
despite the fact that the Muslim army was in desperate need for every man.
By this situation the Prophet (SAWS) taught Muslims that promises must be
kept.. Surely he (SAWS) had the Qur'an as his morals; he was a Qur'an
walking on earth.
I
know that all of us make mistakes; but I plead you to try your best not to
show them to your children. I feel so sad when I listen to a boy relating how
his father betrays his mother. I know a girl whose father was betraying her
mother with a lady whom he used to travel to under the guise of business. The
girl then was only eight or nine years old.. When she grew up, got married to a
wonderful man and found out that her husband must travel abroad on business (and
this time was real), the old memory of her father's betrayal reappeared.
She accused her husband of betrayal and even asked for divorce. Please, for
the sake of Allah, be respectable so as not to let your children become a
stained sheet.
Abdullah Ibn Amer (RA) was still a child and the Prophet (SAWS)
was talking with the companions (RA) at his house, when Abdullah's mother
called him saying," Come, Abdullah, I have something to give you!" The Prophet
(SAWS) turned to her and asked her if she was honest with her son.
Her reply was, "Yes, I am going to give him some dates." The Prophet (SAWS)
told her that if she had not been honest with her son she would have been
considered a liar. That is why we find liar fathers whose offspring are liars
too, and cheaters whose sons cheat in building materials causing buildings to
collapse. There is a very nice Syrian proverb that says: Count until hundred
before lying in front of people and count until million before lying in front of
your son.
When the treasures of
Khosrau and Caesar
were taken by the Muslims as booties and sent to the Prophet's mosque at the era
of Omar Ibnul-Khattab (RA), nothing was taken from the treasures.Even the
smallest diamonds were still as they were although they were small enough to be
stolen. Omar was happy and said that those who sent these treasures are
definitely honest. However, Ali (RA) commented that they were honest
because Omar himself was honest. This final statement by Ali
(RA) can be applied to the fathers and their offspring.
The father who reviews his children:
There is an important principle that is mentioned in the Noble Qur'an which is
the principle of reviewing. We all read the story of Prophet Solaiman (AS)[5]
(Solomon) with the hoopoe in which Allah says what can be translated as,"And
he reviewed the birds; then he said, 'what is it with me that I do not see the
hoopoe? Or is he among the absent?" (TMQ 27: 20).[6]
Solaiman (AS) reviewed the birds, while you cannot review your children!!
I
know this is basically the mother's role, but there are some aspects that only
the fathers can observe, especially at the teenage. Where was the father when
his daughter married secretly? Where was he when his son began drug addiction?
Where was he when his other son traveled to study in Germany (and this is a
true story by the way) and made his parents believe that he was graduated while
he actually failed and was still in the first year? Where was the father when
the daughters groom was found to be previously married or a swindler; and why
did not he investigate about him well?
Reviewing children must be in everything even in faith: Abdullah Ibn-Abbas
(RA) said that he sometimes
spent the night in the house of Lady Maimunah Bintul-Harith, his aunt and
the wife of the Prophet (SAWS). The Prophet (SAWS)
used to ask her whether Abdullah prayed.
Moreover, it is known that money and other material things are
included in our wills. I would like you to see the wills of Ibrahim (AS)
(Abraham) and Ya'qub (AS) (Jacob) that are mentioned in the Qur'an: Allah
says what can be translated as,"And Ibrahîm (Abraham) enjoined his seeds (Or.
sons) with this, and (also) Yaaqûb, (Jacob) (saying), "O my seeds! Surely Allah
has elected for you the religion; so, definitely do not die except (while) you
are Muslims."(TMQ 2: 132) and "Or (even) were you
witnesses as death was present to Yaaqûb? (Jacob) As he said to his seeds' (Or.
sons) "What will you worship even after me?" They said, " We will worship your
God and the God of your fathers Ibrahîm, Shuaayb and Ishaq, (Abraham, Ishmael
and Isaac, respectively) One God; and to Him we are Muslims." (i.e., to Him we
surrender)."( TMQ 2: 133).
Thus, a father has to review everything his children do, but this process must
be done intelligently and kindly without depriving children of their
privacy. This was today's episode. Tomorrow's episode will be about the
father as a friend. Until we meet again tomorrow, Peace and Allah's Mercy
and Blessings be upon you!
Footnotes:
[1] The word Allah is
the Arabic term for God. Although the use of the word "Allah" is most often
associated with Islam, it is not used exclusively by Muslims; Arab Christians
and Arabic-speaking Jews also use it to refer to the One God. The Arabic word
expresses the unique characteristics of the One God more precisely than the
English term. Whereas the word "Allah" has no plural form in Arabic, the English
form does. Allah is the God worshipped by all Prophets, from Adam to Noah,
Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad.
[2] SAWS= Salla
Allah alayhe Wa Salam [All Prayers and Peace of Allah be upon him].
[3] SWT = Subhanahu
wa Ta'ala [Glorified and Exalted Be He]
[4] RA= Radya Allah
anhu/anha [May Allah be pleased with him/her].
[5]
Alayhe as-Salam
[All Peace of Allah be upon him].
[6] TMQ=Translation of
the Meaning of the Qur'an. This translation is for the realized meaning, so far,
of the stated (Surah:Ayah) of the Qur'an. Reading the translated meaning of the
Qur'an can never replace reading it in Arabic, the language in which it was
revealed.
