PRIVATEParadise in Our Homes

Episode 7

In the name of Allah[1], the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful.  Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS[2]).

At the outset, in case you are not as enthusiastic as you were at the beginning of Ramadan, I would like to remind you that the Prophet (SAWS) said that whoever prays at night in Ramadan out of faith and the hope of reward, all his previous sins will be forgiven.  This year let it be with the family; fast and pray with the family.

I would like also to remind you of the title of our show, “Paradise in our Homes”.  The message is that family relations are not burdens, duties and responsibilities.  On the contrary, they are a source of happiness.  It depends on the way you choose to look at them.  The family is a paradise, because, as we know, paradise is at the feet of mothers.  In fact, Allah (SWT[3]) ordered Adam and Eve to enter paradise together as a family.  One of the scholars says that those who never experience the beauty of paradise on earth will not experience it in the hereafter.

In yesterday’s episode, we talked about the fundamentality of the father’s role.  However, we found that one episode was not enough.  Therefore, today, we address the fathers once again in order to annul the “power of attorney” made by fathers to mothers to bring up their children.  Today, we will give three compelling reasons for why we must annul that power of attorney.

The first reason is that the children are in dire need of their fathers.  In fact, psychological research in the past considered oppression the main cause of child delinquency.  More recent literature points out to the absence of the father figure.  A friend of mine, with 25 years of experience as a psychological counsel in prisons, recounts that of all the inmates he interviewed, no one said that he loved his father.  In the USA, the Father’s Day is celebrated with the same enthusiasm we celebrate the Mother’s Day.  Once, a greeting card company offered its products in a prison, for inmates to send their mothers greeting cards.  The turnout was massive.  As a result, on the Father’s Day, the company offered more of its cards for the inmates; unfortunately, no one bought them.

The children are in need and this is clear in a story of a friend of mine who had a boy and a girl.  When the boy was young, he had enough time to go out and play with him, but later on, he was too busy to spend time with the girl.  Upon his wife’s continuous pleading to pay the four-year old girl some attention, he took her out for a quick breakfast.  Holding a piece of cake before his mouth, he told his daughter, “I love you”. To his surprise, the girl held his hand and said, “More. Tell me more”. The father was shocked how conscious his little daughter was of her need, in a way that he himself had not realized before. But mind you, a four-year old girl would express her need, but a 15-year old would not. She might fetch for satisfaction out there!  Hence, revise your calculations; the time you refuse to spend with them voluntarily would not be enough when they are in real trouble. 

Once a little girl asked a recently moving-in neighbor whose father was dead, “Where is your father”.  The 18-year old orphan said, “He is not here”. The young girl asked, “When is he coming?”  The answer was “He is not”.  The young girl exclaimed, “Is it possible to be without a father!” and she offered to share her kind father with the orphan.  Now, I am asking all fathers, “Is it possible to be without a father?!”

The second reason why you should cancel the “power of attorney” is that you are depriving yourself of this life’s greatest pleasure.  When asked about his love to his grandchildren, al-Hassan and al-Hussein, the Prophet (SAWS) wondered how he could not love them and they are the apple of his eyes.  A book I once read tells the story of a father who had four children, one of them, Adam, was mute and mentally challenged. Adam gave the father serious pain to the extent that the father wished that his child were dead.  One day, the father took the four kids to a store to buy some sweets. All the children brought candies, except for Adam who brought a flower.  The father explained that the flower was not to eat and told the little boy to find himself something else.  The boy went back to the shelves and brought a flower again.  The father decided to pay for everything anyhow.  When they went home, all the kids ate the candies and went to sleep, except for Adam; he put the flower in a vase and offered it to the father.  The father says that it was only on this day that he felt like a father.  It was a moment of rebirth to him, a leap from a world of achievements and competition to a world of love and happiness, where challenged children teach adults the lessons of true love.

The third reason is the responsibility before Allah.  The Prophet (SAWS) reminds us that we are all guardians; the fathers in their homes and the mothers in their husbands’ houses.  We are as responsible as a kind shepherd who cares for his herd.  It is not all about financially providing for the family.  The Qur’an says, “O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your own families from a Fire whose fuel is mankind and stones” (TMQ[4], 66:6).

Let us not regard it as just a responsibility.  Let us consider the reward you would be granted for such care.  The Prophet (SAWS) emphasized that, to Allah, it is better for a man to teach his child to behave than to be charitable.  The reason is that charity usually goes to the benefit of one person.  But when you bring up a good man, the good goes to the entire society.  The Prophet (SAWS) also says that if a father looks at his son admiringly, he is rewarded as if he manumitted a slave. Of course he will admire the child’s behavior, morals and religion; for it is in those that the father invests his life. The child is the tree you have planted and the Prophet (SAWS) says that a Muslim is rewarded for cultivating a plant that may be eaten by a bird, animal or human.  So let alone a child who serves the community.  If in Ramadan every good deed is multiplied by 70, what about bringing up good men and women!

It is an acknowledged fact that raising children is the responsibility of both the father and the mother.  This is clear in the story of Yussuf (Joseph) (AS[5]).  Allah says, “As Yû‍suf (Joseph) said to his father, “O my father, surely I saw (i.e., in a dream) eleven planets and the sun and the moon; I saw them prostrating to me.”” (TMQ, 12:4).  It is a clear reference to the father and the mother, the sun and the moon. You cannot live with only the sun, or only the moon.  You must have them both.

The Prophet (SAWS) says that jannah (Paradise) is definitely the due reward to whoever has three daughters, teaches them to behave themselves, and has mercy on them.  The Prophet’s companions asked what if a man has only two daughters.  The Prophet (SAWS) replied that the same applies to whoever has two. They said that if they had asked him about only one daughter, he would have accepted as well.  In another instance, the Prophet (SAWS) says that whoever has a daughter, treats her well and gives her from the bounties Allah bestows upon him will find this daughter protecting him from the hell fire until he reaches jannah.  In a nut shell, your children are your doorway to jannah .

A student of Ibn-Masood called Abu-Khaled al-Ahwal was a very pious man.  He was married but he did not want to have children.  He thought that that was better for him to concentrate more on worshipping Allah; and he was happy this way with his wife. One night, he dreamt that it was the Day of Judgment.  It was very crowded and scorching hot.  The sun was so close and the people were thirsty.  There appeared children like pearls carrying beautiful cups and jars.  They looked among the crowd and whenever they found a father or a mother they gave them water to drink.  Abu-Khaled asked one of them to give him some water.  The child asked, “Did you have a son who died in your hands? Did you raise a daughter to worship Allah? Did you have patience with a troublesome child? Did you have a good son who used to pray for you?” When the answers for all these question was in the negative, the boy said “I only give those who had children”. Then he quoted the Qur’anic ayah (verse) which can be translated as, “(There) go round them eternalized young men. With goblets, and beakers, and a cup from a profuse spring,” (TMQ, 55: 17-18).  The boy added that the Prophet (SAWS) was once heard to have said that some sins are only forgiven by having patience with troublesome children or working to bring them up.  The next day, Abu-Khaled told his wife that they should have a child.

However, I fear that after hearing all this discussion about responsibility, some of us may turn into monsters.  I know we have not said what is to be done; we will do that tomorrow.  But for today, we want tender fathers.  Once Hanzala, one of the Prophet’s companions came to the Prophet (SAWS) and told him that he worshiped Allah all day but when he went home he played with his children.  The Prophet reassured him that it was right to spend some time in this and some time in that.

To conclude, I have a few messages to send:

1.      I received a letter from a widow bringing up a young orphan.  In the last line of her letter, she asks me to tell each and every father not to make their children feel as if they were orphans while he is still alive.

2.      I would like to address divorced women.  I know that what I say hurts you.  I would like to tell you that I feel your pain.  I know you had enough hard time.  However, I want you to search for a father figure among your family especially known for his kindness and tenderness.  He could be your children’s uncle or grandfather.  This is very important for them.

3.      I would like to address the youth.  I want them to help their fathers to be great fathers. When they approach you do not stop them.  Perhaps your father does not know how to start.  Be proactive, go and give him a hug.  I once met a man who said that his father deserted him and his mother all his life, but after he had become successful, the father appeared.  The son said he did not blame him or ask him where he was all those years lest he might be hurt.

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