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= written by Amr Khaled =

17 *  Don't be like these 2

Don't be like these!

An essay written by Mr. Amr Khaled in Almara’a Alyawm Magazine (The Woman Today), on June 15, 2004.

This is the text of the Essay:

A sage of the Arab was asked about the women whom man can marry?

He answered, “Do not marry six types of women: the `annanah (who always groans and complains), the mannanah (who always reminds her husband of her favors), the hannanah (who always yearns to her mother), the haddaqah (who always stares at what is in the hands of others), the barraqah (who always exaggerates in her make-up), nor the shaddaqah (who always speaks out of conceit)”

Actually I admire this sage for his quick perception, eloquent expressions and deep wisdom.

The `annanah is the one who groans continually whether she complains of a real cause or not; what is important is that she always complains. She complains of everything and anybody continually, for her main job is to lament her fate, and her true enjoyment is achieved when people recognize her groaning and ask her about its reason. Therefore, she starts to tell the secret of her miseries and the reason of her depression because life for her is nothing but the empty half of the glass of water.

Marital life with such a wife means agony and unending period of distemper. This nature which is controlling over her makes her ignore every grant and undervalue each effort exerted by the man in an attempt to please her where everything he offers does not deserve thanks and is less than the necessary.

The question which I direct and which I wish the`annanah face herself with is: what is the aim? What is the aim behind this nature and such conduct? Is the aim to make herself by force the core of interest and pity of people? Is this a respectable aim or a dignity fitting for a Muslim woman? Who told her that this feeling will gain people’s sympathy in general or her husband in particular? People and among them the husband are bored of this nature, which does not draw forth their pity as far as it evokes their boredom and anger.

The `annanah lost her way in communicating with her society and husband. She deals with him in a way that does not make her near to him but in a way that makes him rejects her quickly.

Whereas, the mannanah is the woman who reminds her husband of her favor. This means that whenever she does him a favor or makes him or his children a good deed, she always reminds him of this favor and that deed, being gracious enough, by giving him what he does not deserve. If she marries him, she will remind him that she accepted him at the time she refused another man who was more prosperous, and had higher state and more handsome than him. If she looks after his home and takes care of it, she will remind him of her effort and compare between herself and other women who have maids to do the housework for them and who rest honored and only supervises this and that.

She bridles the passion of love and what comes out of it as the flow of granting. She records everything she does in a materialistic way to elevate herself above her husband and increase his continuous feeling that he has failed to do his duty towards her. Associating woman’s granting to her husband with the process of recording, in order to use such granting and remind the husband of it at the time of anger and even the time of tranquility, is not good. It promotes in the husband the feeling of insecurity, inability to enjoy the grant, and expectance of using it badly where he always says to himself, “Sure, she’ll use this favor to remind me of it in any time! Sure she will! Sure!”

Whereas, the hannanah is the one who yearns for her mother more than she should and some have said that she is the one who yearns to her ex-husband.

Whether she is the first or the second let me tell you where is the problem. The one who yearns to her mother more than she should is not a completely independent personality. The man who marries the hannanah in this sense has not actually married one woman but two: the bride and her mother. Her mother always exists in an effective way in their marital life whether her existence is physical in the house or even if she is living in her own house. The daughter, who is the wife, must narrate all the details of her marital life and all her husband’s news to her mother. She asks her about everything, asks her advice in everything, obeys her in everything, telephones her in an irritating way, and stays in her mother’s house almost frequently; as if she always says: “Mom! Mom! Mom!”

I hope I am not misunderstood and have not said that I am calling for filial ingratitude or separation between the daughter and her mother! Never! This is what I dare not approach and do not mean by my words.

The filial gratitude of the daughter towards her mother does not mean to violate the sanctity of the marital life between her and her husband and to change it into a show for the public where every person says his opinion. Allah’s prophet (PBUH) warned against this strongly where he said, “The greatest infidelity is when the man talks to his wife and the woman to her husband then in the morning each reveals the secret of his or her companion”

Who said that it is a filial gratitude or even has a relation with gratitude when the hannanah reveals what happens between her and her husband? The man who marries a woman like this becomes very reticent, rarely speaks, becomes very nervous, and has no communication with his wife whether psychological or not. He feels that he is always under control, and his movements are observed and recorded to be reported outside his house. Furthermore, he feels that his wife is a light character who cannot take a decision or dare to do so. She is dependent on others and has no self-sufficiency. Her reaction to everything that happens to her is, “I must ask Mom first”. Everything in her life and her husband’s is delayed until she asks “Mom”. Thus, “Mom” is the one who decides what the children wear, to which school they should go, who are the friends that they should accompany, who is the family doctor…etc. Man, in this case, is hedged in until he finds only two ways: either to take a short cut and ask “Mom” directly or to be dumb and talk neither to “Mom” nor to anybody else. Is this what the hannanah wants? She has to answer!

To be continued the next week Insha` Allah (God willing).

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