Magazine Articles

= written by Amr Khaled =

14 *  communication initiative

A call for better communication

This article was written by Mr. Amr Khaled in Almara’a Alyawm Magazine (The Woman Today), on 6/8/2004.

The following is the translation of the article:

Is a happy home, one that does not have any problems?

Is it a home one in which members treat each other with formality?

Is it a home that is very quiet because each member is independent and values his/her independence?

Is it a home where there are fights not followed by its members making up?

Is it a home where there is tension, which is not followed by calmness?

I very openly and honestly say that this is not a happy home; actually it is not a home at all. Why? Because a home is where you find warmth, it is a place of emotional association before physical association.

It is a place of discussion; it is a place of difference of opinions then agreement on one opinion.

It is a place of caring fatherhood and compassionate motherhood. It is a place where children bring forth their problems and parents find solutions.

It is the place where you talk sometimes, and listen a lot of times. It is a place mainly of emotional communication before anything else.

This is a happy home, and these are its characteristics! This lively relationship is required among all the members of the home; it is required between the children and parents, between the brothers and sisters, and between the man and his wife.

This is what I will focus on in this article, God willing!

The silence syndrome that many married couples suffer from after a period of time is a commonly observed phenomenon that needs to be analyzed and a solution needs to be found because this is a widespread problem. Its harm is contagious to every member in the house: the man, the woman and the children.

The strange thing is that the cause of this syndrome is not necessarily fights between the man and his wife. The relationship between them could be very regular, very routine-like, very quiet, very traditional, and very orderly. Each one knows his/her responsibilities, and seeks to fulfill them before requesting his/her rights, which is not even necessary because the other partner willingly fulfills them without asking. This could be a part of the reason.

There could be another reason, and this is what I want to discuss. There is a possibility that excessive conflicts between the man and his wife forced her to choose this solution (keeping an emotional distance) because it is the least of the two evils. This is the solution they choose to escape from their problems, which occur every time they discuss, converse or argue.

In my opinion, this problem does not occur because they differ in their way of thinking, which is possible but should not be an obstacle. The problem is in their way of managing their differences. In my opinion, both the man and the woman are responsible for the resolutions of these differences. Every member can be responsible for this situation to a different degree.

In this article I would like to draw attention to few pointers that might help in building communication bridges between the loving couple. For instance, each one of them should tell the other what he/she would like to see in the other when they get into a discussion. For example, the man might not like that his wife interrupts him until he is done making his point. The problem with this couple that ends every discussion into an argument, could be that point exactly. The wife should, if she faces this problem, be patient, and struggle with herself especially in this point. This issue might require her to be patient for 5, 10 or 15 minutes, which is not a long time for her to persevere.

On the other hand, the wife might not like her husband’s sharp comments or his belittling of her opinions no matter what they are. The husband could also instigate his wife’s anger by his sarcastic stares. This can make her lose control, which does not lead to solving the problem. On the contrary, it adds another problem, which is even more serious than the original one. This problem is the man’s, and he can solve it, by the will of Allah.  He is required to struggle with himself, and stop his mocking instinct because mocking is a form of sarcasm, which is forbidden by Allah according to the verse that can be translated as, “O you who believe! Let not a group scoff at another group; it may be that the latter are better than the former. Nor let (some) women scoff at other women, it may be that the latter are better than the former. Nor defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. How bad is it to insult one’s brother after having Faith [i.e. to call your Muslim brother (a faithful believer) as: "O sinner", or "O wicked"]. And whosoever does not repent, then such are indeed Zâlimûn (wrong-doers, etc.).” (Al-Hujurat, (TMQ, 49: 11)[1].

This openness followed by the effort put forth by both spouses will, Allah willing; minimize the conflict between the couple by a big percentage. This is my first advice.

The second advice that I want to focus on is the goal of the conversation. Usually the goal is limited to the special interest of each one of the members or in the general subjects that do not need a decision and it is not necessary for them to agree on. I will give an example: a man and his wife watch the news, and are interested in a special issue. Each of them starts proposing their point of view. For instance one of them sees that the reason for this problem is so and so, but the other person differs and says, “No, I believe the reason is as follow”. The harm is that the argument starts with this difference of opinion, and ends with a conflict.

Such a general issue should not affect their relationship at all. Why should one of them reject what the other says? Why should a fight start from such a topic? Their fight in this case is illogical, and does not have a good reason.

In the cases of common issues that require the couple to reach a decision, I suggest that the topic be discussed and each one present his/her point of view. If they agree then the problem is solved. But if their opinions were different, and neither of them could convince the other, then the woman should follow the man’s decision, and should not argue with him excessively to a point that would annoy him and create more problems. I wish to clarify to the reader that I did not ask the woman to change her opinion, but I asked her, for the sake of peace, not to argue excessively to the point that will not change her husband’s opinion but will cause resentment and fights.

These are some solutions that I suggest will address the problem of the silence syndrome, and lack of communication between the spouses. I ask Allah The Exalted for success and resolution.

The topic is to be continued next week God willing.

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