Magazine Articles

= written by Amr Khaled =

8 *   They deceived you and said love

They Fooled You & Said: Love alone is the Basis of a Successful Marriage

An article Mr. Amr Khaled wrote for Al-mara’a Al-yawm Magazine (The Woman Today), on 3/ 30 /3004

The following is the article:

I wrote in a previous article about the dangers that can occur when a Muslim woman makes her life rotate around finding the man of her dreams, believing this is the only way for achieving happiness.  I noted that this idea that has taken control of most of the girls in the Muslim communities has found its way to the sentiments through romantic movies.

In this article, we will be talking about the second consequence of romantic movies, affecting the personality of our youth, especially girls. After all, they are the section of youth I am trying to reach through these articles. Western films show that love between a man and a woman is mostly created and established on physical attraction, and the way partners look.  In addition, the circumstances created by the screenplay writer and the director, and cameramen are usually fictional, unrealistic, or even dumb.

The west are free to create for themselves descriptions and causes of love between the two sides. They are also free in assessing those descriptions and causes and taking care of their outcome on any relationships.  Yet, the Muslim woman should not be fooled by these descriptions and causes.

The Muslim women commits a big mistake when she thinks that the standards of choosing a husband are; blue eyes, pretty hair and muscular body. Forgetting about the genuine characteristics in real men, such as and not limited to, Omar's piety, Khaled's chivalry, Rubaa's bravery, Belal's determination, Abdullah's tenderness, Abi-Dhar's positiveness, and Kaib's honesty.( all those were among the prophet’s companions)

Long hair, blue eyes, and tall posture  won’t help in caring for the wife, respecting her, and not abusing her or betraying her. The key word the Muslim woman should consider when choosing her life time partner, who would protect her and take care of her is; piety.  Why would a Muslim woman reject a pious, average- looking man who proposed to her and run behind a man that has no fear from Allah and doesn't have any qualifications other than his physical appearance? All this is not enough to solve any misunderstanding between them, on the contrary such kind of men usually try to immerge from any argument as a winner, and would never admit their mistakes, even if that was on the expense of women’s feelings and dignity. Further more, they might abuse her feelings and emotions because they are providing for her. All of this is known to everyone.

It is the when she chooses a husband who fears Allah. Piety makes a barrier between him and aggression, and even if he aggresses, his piety will push him to regret and apologize and to compensate in any way possible.

A man came to Al- Hassan (may God be pleased with him) telling him, “Some people asked for my daughter's hand in marriage. So, whom do I marry her to?” Al- Hassan said, “Marry her to the pious; if he loves her he will honor her and if he dislikes her he will not abuse her”.

A Muslim woman will be able to guarantee all her rights and more if she insists on choosing a pious man. Similarly, she will undermine all her rights if she insists on marrying a man who looks like this actor or that, who has managed to advance gradually and fool her.

The third effect of these movies is that it makes love the one and only emotion that exists in life, and disregard all the other emotions and feelings, a case which does not reflect reality.  Other feelings are always there, and they can and will affect the relationship, positively or negatively.

What do I mean? I mean that a man might choose a woman for her beauty and feel his love towards her. But extreme love alone is not enough to have a successful marriage. Here is an example to make it clearer. Let us imagine that this loved one has a problem, such as anxiety, doubt, and distrust or let's say that she is so hardheaded or has a bad temper.  Definitely all these problems will have a great effect on the marriage life and they will destroy the love they had between them sooner or later, but the romantic movies would never show us this negative side of the story.

What I believe is, love is one of many points all of which should be taken into consideration to judge or expect how successful a relationship would be. (After all, these expectations are based on what we know. Allah alone knows and decides what will really happen).  The woman that is deceived by these ideas and does not set her priorities right, is dooming her marriage to fail, and her husband to misery, and her kids to the worst childhood.

Compatible personalities are very important. Equality and a moderate mood are both extremely important in settling down a successful life.  All these things and others should affect our judgment in addition to the likeness of the other person. Islam respects the feelings and the emotions, but if the whole decision is taken only according to love and passion, that is when problems start.

Muslim woman should reconsider her judgments over and over again for if she desires to protect herself from such big problems.

A man came to Omar bin Al- Khattab (may God be pleased with him) seeking advice about his marriage, he was thinking of divorcing his wife. When Omar asked him about the reason, he replied that he does not like her. So what did Al- Farooq (Omar) say? Did he agree with his way of thinking? He replied to him and told him that marriage, does not necessarily have to have that strong passion, and does not have to be based only on love, it should be based on care and trust.

True Islam does not ignore motions nor does it suppress them. In that exact moment it does not allow for the fantasy exaggeration that leads to mental sickness.

The fourth issue I wanted to discuss is the separation between the mad love shown in those films, and between the life circumstances, which sometimes could be harsh and tough, and so might play a major role in changing such love, but again, films do not show this when we know it happens everyday

The filmmaker and viewer may have a different opinion, which I respect, and this is;

not everything in this life should be mentioned in a film or a movie, films can not cover every aspect of life.  I totally agree, but when it becomes the rule that all the movies we see are concentrating on the same point, and we do not have the choice to see the other point of view, it becomes a misguiding tool for our youth, specially when they see the same case over and over and over.

The Muslim woman that was controlled by the unrealistic movie with the imaginary role model will be shocked by the reality that includes love and suffering, agreements and conflicts, nearness and distance.  This shock may affect her state of mind, depending on her flexibility. We love for our women to be realistic and devoted and able to live the reality in all its varieties; not to simply run away from it or complain about it.

We want the Muslim girl to be proud of her religion, and not to accept any replacement for its teachings, who has extreme trust in Allah and with what He ordered. We want the woman that is proud of her Qur’an and the Sunnah of her Prophet (p.b.u.h.), who propagates the truth she follows, not the woman deceived by what others follow.

Finally, I’m not saying to every Muslim woman except what Allah (SWT) says to her and to us what can be translated as,  “So hold thou fast to the Revelation sent down to thee; verily thou art on a Straight Way. The (Qur’an) is indeed the message, for thee and for thy people; and soon shall ye (all) be brought to account.)” (TMQ, 43:43-44)[1].

To be continued next week Insha Allah.

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