Magazine Articles

= written by Amr Khaled =

5 * Wife Beating

Wife Beating

Dear Muslim sister, be aware!

The beating of women is haram (unlawful). It surely drives the anger of Allah, the Most Gracious!

So, it’s about time that we start raising our Muslim societies with the right understanding in all religious matters.

The Divine concept of nurturing varies between reward and punishment, example, and consequences. Below is an interview conducted with Mr. Amr Khaled by Mr. Essam Al-Ghazy on October 28, 2003.

At home, at school, and on the street we are shocked with unacceptable behavior from children and young people. Also, in marital relationships, there are many disagreements and problems. There are many reasons for this but the most important of them, as the Islamic speaker, Amr Khaled confirms, is that we are ignorant of the correct principles of child rearing; this is what Islam says about dealing with children. In addition, we are ignorant of the concept of the relationship of love, mercy, and tranquility between a husband and a wife. In his weekly interview, Amr Khaled tackles child rearing in Muslim society with all its dimensions. He confirms that it is our guaranteed path to a righteous responsible generation, and a home full of happiness.

Education is not enough

I asked Amr Khaled, what is “up-bringing” (tarbiyah or child rearing)?

Some people think that nurturing (or raising) children is simply providing food and drink. If the child goes to school and passes his exams, then he is well nurtured. A father might say, “I have four children. I have provided them with the best care. One is an engineer, the second is a lawyer, the third is married to a successful businessman, and the fourth is a clever computer engineer.” He used the word care in place of education.

Who said that this is the right concept of child rearing?

The correct concept is the establishment of good manners, and increase of capabilities. When you say, “I raised this person,” it means that you elevated his reason, morality, manners, and behavior; you tamed his animal instincts. This is another form of nurturing, by cultivating his physical or mental abilities and bringing out the skills hidden inside him.

The Divine concept of up-bringing

Many fathers have an inverted understanding of child rearing, which is limited to spending and education, while the Qur’an is keen to advance this care giving before their education. The Qur’an uses the word purification  (tazkeyah) instead of the word nurturing (tarbeyah). Allah Almighty says what can be translated as, “Similarly (to complete My Blessings on you), We have sent among you a Messenger of your own, reciting to you Our Verses (the Qur’an) and purifying you, and teaching you the Book (the Qur’an) and the Wisdom…” (TMQ, 2:151)[1]. This is the Qur’anic concept of up-bringing. This verse was repeated four times in the Qur’an. Three of those times, purification and knowledge are stated in that order, the fourth time it is in the words of Prophet Abraham. He thought that knowledge came before purification, so Allah Almighty repeated the verse three times with the correct order, which is purification before knowledge. Allah Almighty is the One who nurtures His slaves. Even the word “lord” in Arabic (rabb) is considered the root of the word nurturing (tarbeya). That’s why I am astonished at those who memorize the Qur’an, and are not nurtured by it.

How can a woman judge a man?

What are the criteria I can use to say that a person has been well raised?

        1 - His manners

        2 - His decency

A person might be honest, truthful, honoring his promises, but lacking common decency. Decency is something that is learned at home; he way a person dresses, speaks, his voice level, his natural behavior with others. This issue has nothing to do with his financial status. A person might be very rich, but lacking simple decency. He might be poor, but has true decency and good sense.

When a woman meets a man, she can judge him based on the rude way he looks at her, or his use of improper words. Such a person lacks good nurture. The way a man behaves with a woman illustrates the way he was raised.

That’s why Prophet Shoayb’s daughter went to her father and said, “O my father! Hire him! Verily, the best of men for you to hire is the strong, the trustworthy.” (28:26) She knew the manners and good rearing of Prophet Moses in only the short time it took for him to water to her sheep.

A woman understands a man from the way he looks at her. Any woman, by her natural instinct, can judge whether a man is honest or not.

The responsibility of parents

Do the same rules apply when speaking to parents and elders?

Nurturing is the responsibility of the father and mother. They are the first two people on whom the rearing will reflect. Whoever raises his children in a good way, they will never abandon him after he becomes old.

I will never forget an incident I saw in England. I was walking with a friend and his father, who came from Egypt to visit him. This friend of mine is a professor in a major British university, he holds a Ph.D. in a rare field. While we were walking, my friend noticed that his father’s shoelaces were untied. I saw him kneeling down in the street to tie the shoelaces for his father.

When you see such a scene, don’t you realize that the man has managed to raise his son well?

Exercise is not a luxury

There is a basis for physical education of Muslims; can you talk to us about that?

Omar ibn Al-Khattab advised parents to teach their children swimming, archery, and horseback riding. The Messenger (peace be upon him) used to teach Muslims archery. He used to shoot ten arrows without missing their target.

Omar used to organize racing contests for youth in Al-Madinah. At this day and age, a young man might not be able to run 100 meters because of weakness and smoking. He becomes out of breath and tired. Physical training of youth is not only the responsibility of parents but also the school, which nowadays have no fields or exercise activities. The media also bear some responsibility. Physical training is missing nowadays. Parents don’t encourage their children to exercise because of the high cost of sports clubs. Parents want their children to focus on studying. The streets are no longer suitable for playing soccer since streets are now crowded with cars.

Physical training is not a luxury because it greatly affects mental maturity. It also has a big effect on the ability to refrain from sin. An athlete doesn’t smoke or use drugs. He is a source of strength to the whole society. “And make ready against them all you can of power…” (TMQ, 8:60).  This includes physical strength. The Prophet’s hadith (saying) is clear, “A strong believer is better and dearer to Allah than a weak believer.”

The media nowadays leads to the emergence of irresponsible youth. The young man with sleek hair, the girls will seek him out. The one who opens the buttons of his shirt and puts on strong perfume, the girls will run after him. These are the advertisements that affect our lives. The same goes for those youth who drive nice cars. In this way, they are killing the basis of good upbringing. The love of exercise has to be planted in children in their early years. An athletic person has a disciplined, self-confident, and outgoing personality.

Respect for the child’s mind

Islam is keen to nurture the mind and tells us to seek knowledge even in (a far away place, such as) China. What is intellectual and emotional training?

You have to respect your child’s mind, and treat him as an adult. I saw parents discussing with their children important family matters, like choosing a vacation place or home decoration.

For example, if a boy misbehaves in front of guests, the father may sternly discipline or punish him. Instead, he can talk to him rationally and convince him that this is not appropriate behavior in front of guests. This way, the son feels that he has an opinion that is respected in the family.

For this reason, we find that the Prophet (PBUH) appointed a leader for the Muslim army who was 18 years old, Osama bin Zaid. This army included Abu-Bakr and Omar. Did the Prophet (PBUH) jeopardize his army, or was he sure of the validity of this critical decision? The Messenger (PBUH) was sure that Osama bin Zaid was raised mentally and physically in a way that qualified him to lead the army better than anyone else. Osama did lead the army and he was victorious.

Another example is Mohamed Al-Fatih. He conquered Constantinople at the age of 20.

In correct mental nurturing, we have:

        1 - Respecting the child’s mind

        2 - Cultivating his skills,

        3 - Consulting him in family matters,

        4 - Making him take responsibility at a young age, and interact with the community.

There is a hadith of the Messenger (PBUH) talking to a young man (Abdullah bin Abbas) saying, “Young man, safeguard the commandments of Allah so that Allah will safeguard you. Remember Allah; you will find him in front of you. If you ask, ask Allah, and if you seek help, seek help from Allah.” (Found in An-Nawawi’s Gardens of the Righteous)

The Prophet (PBUH) was sitting with a group, all of which were adults, except for the person sitting on his right. He was a 10-year-old boy. The Prophet had a jug of milk. He wanted to give it to the others to drink, starting from his right-hand side. The Prophet (PBUH) looked at the young man sitting beside him, and told him, “Do you give me permission to start with those who are older than you?” This was the way the Prophet taught the nation, and this was the way he respected the mind and dignity of the Muslim child.

Role model and up-bringing

The Qur’an is full of examples for the moral nurturing of Muslim children and youth. Can you talk to us about that?

The first step in moral nourishment is role modeling; the father must be a role model for his son. A father who asks his son to tell the caller on the phone that he is not there is teaching his son to lie. A boy, who sees his father falsifying documents for a certain purpose, will cheat in his exams.

We have in the Qur’an Surat Luqman. In this surah, Luqman advises his son, and shows us beautiful teachings for moral training. Allah Almighty says what can be translated as, “And turn not your face away from men with pride, nor walk in insolence through the earth. Verily, Allâh likes not any arrogant boaster. And be moderate (or show no insolence) in your walking, and lower your voice. Verily, the harshest of all voices is the braying of the donkeys.” (TMQ, 31:18,19) This noble surah included the cultivation of faith, promoting worship, encouraging good morals, forbidding arrogance, and a call for nurturing, decency, and reason.

Reward and punishment

What about reward and punishment in Islamic child rearing?

Reward and punishment is a method that Allah Almighty uses with his slaves. Psychologists follow it, as well, since it is an effective method in cultivating a personality.

A father likes to make the reward more than the punishment.

The focus in the Qur’an on punishment is much less than the focus on reward. It is not the norm that every mistake is followed up by a punishment. There must be room for pardon, justice, and flexibility. After that, there must be a punishment. The punishment must not be greater than the mistake and must not lead to an unwanted result. We must not resort to beating except with grave misdeeds. In that case, it should not be in front of other people. The father who goes to school to beat his son in front of his classmates is humiliating his son. Such humiliation will affect his personality for the rest of his life. Beating should never be on the face. The father, who beats his child a lot, will lose his child a lot. The child will never accept him as a father afterwards. An angry look from the father corrects the child more than beating does.

As for girls, it is not advised at all to punish them by beating. The Messenger (PBUH) never beat a woman. The words “and beat them” in the Qur’an came in the case of a woman who is defiant and rebellious. The word “rebellious” in the Qur’an means that she has committed a calamity. Beating was not mentioned in the Qur’an except in this special case where there is a disruption in the family’s cohesion.

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