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Episode 16
Parent without
Punishment
In the Name of Allah,
the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful. Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon
Prophet Muhammad (SAWS).
We are going to continue the subject of filial
relationships. There are three main principles in parenting and dealing
with children and youth:
1.
Friendship.
2.
Using the language of
feelings before the language of logic.
3.
Respect and
appreciation.
These three tenets are necessary to succeed at
parenting and influencing your child and they all operate through emotions and
not force. Where does punishment fit into all of this? That is the
subject of today’s episode. Unfortunately, there is a pandemic of punishment.
Parents excessively punish their son/daughters with such means as withholding
their favorite things such as allowance or sports class. It is
important to note I am not referring to physical punishment, which is completely
unacceptable and rejected. Lady Aisha
(RA)
said that the Messenger of Allah (SAWS) never ever hit a woman or child.
It is completely wrong for young children and even more so for older kids and
youth. The over-used punishments I am referring to do not even include
physical punishment. However, I am not encouraging bad behavior or
disrespect towards parents.
Yet discussing punishment with parents is important
because it loses its chastening effect on children after a while. They
become accustomed to being punished and in the end sense that their parents hate
them.
Punishment is not the first option. It is the
absolutely very last alternative to be used by parents after all other means
have failed. This is what psychologists say and furthermore this is what our
prophet Muhammad (SAWS) told us. He said that kindness makes
anything more beautiful and violence dishonors it. He (SAWS) also
added that Allah (SWT
)
is gentle and He (SWT) loves gentleness and He (SWT) gives to
gentleness what He does not give to violence. Hence, there are many alternatives
to punishment that are more effective but people find it easier to just punish.
Moreover, unnecessary random punishment leads to
family disintegration and the children’s behavior does not change. Children
learn to do what they want secretly, or even learn hypocrisy.
The question parents’ need to ask themselves is
whether punishing is a means or an end. If it is an end, then punishing in
this fashion is wrong. However, if it is a means, the next question is
whether this leads to the best result? Parents punish children to reform their
behavior out of love. However, when parents punish their children the first time
they make a mistake, the objective of the punishment is obscured. The
devil will implant hatred in them against their parents. Worse, the
children sense that their parents hate and are trying to control them and so
rebel, or make outward changes to their behavior. As a result of
accumulating punishments their feelings change and filial bonds become frayed,
especially when this continues into the teen years. Consequently, the child’s
personality grows insecure because the parent punished inappropriately.
When physical punishment is used the effect on the child is even worse.
The child misunderstands that the strong vanquishes the weak. A person
like this may grow up to become a police officer who tortures others brutally in
a police station or an extremist who kills people. Both these examples
have without doubt come from violent homes.
Sometimes parents use punishment unnecessarily, and
when they do, it is in fact the parent who should be punished for this:
1.
When children touch
and pull and hold and try things out, parents often punish them. In fact,
they are wired to do so in order to learn and innovate. Children sing and make
paper planes and score goals because they are developing their talents in these
areas. Clamping down on their early efforts aborts their learning and
thinking.
2.
When a child is
practicing an ethic. An example is that of a couple who are raising their son
to be proactive. One day, a child proudly announces to his father that he
is a good boy as he has washed the dished for his mother. The father finds his
wife angry but controlling herself. Since the boy couldn’t reach the tap, he
took all the bottled water in the fridge and tried to use that to wash the
dishes but they fell down. The father explains to the child that he
should have asked for help getting a chair to stand on. The mother
solicits the child’s help in solving the problem and he proposes to bring
tissues. Accordingly, the mother has taught him without punishment and has
strengthened the ethic in her son. The mother has spent about ten minutes
solving the problem instead of spending it punishing the mistake.
3.
Parents use
punishment as it the easiest way. Omar-Ibn-Abi-Salama said that when he was
about five or six years old, he dug into the serving plate of food in front of
him with both hands. The Prophet (SAWS), his step father, put Omar
on his thigh and taught him that before he eats, he should say, “In the Name of
Allah, the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful”, to eat with his right hand, and to
eat from the plate in front of him. The Prophet (SAWS) recognized
that the root of the problem was that Omar had recently been orphaned and was
making up for his insecurity by being greedy. Thus, the Prophet guided him
to faith and manners, not punishment. Most parents would punish rather
than teach.
Some consequences of punishment are:
1. It aborts learning.
2. It extinguishes a positive ethic.
3. The child is punished for committing a mistake,
when parents should find a solution instead.
4. Parents may punish to revenge their anger.
An example is that of a mother who has tidied up
her new home because guests are coming over. Her daughter was sleeping and
suddenly woke up and brought out all her toys to play with. The mother
finds the mess when she opens the room and is furious, punishing the girl.
The girl does not understand why she is being punished as it seems to her she
has done nothing wrong. The mother has punished the girl without a real
reason, at least not from the girl’s point of view.
Sometimes parents’ punish and harm and break
something in their child’s spirit. The use of punishment in these cases is
wrong, especially if they are little children. The Prophet (SAWS)
told his companions that the strong man is the one who can control himself
during anger. It becomes even more important when the persons involved are your
children.
It is important to remember the ayah where Allah
(SWT) says what can be translated, “.
. . and if you had been stern (and) harsh of heart, they would indeed have
broken away from round about you” (TMQ,
3:159). This ayah
refers to the Prophet (SAWS), but it is so relevant for parenting.
Children who are treated badly will move away from their parents as they get
older.
Punishing is sometimes is a mistake and should not
be the first alternative even if children deserve it. Furthermore, some parents
punish unintentionally. When a parent has a naughty child and a well-behaved
one, he or she may single out the well-behaved child with love and affection
under the claim of disciplining the naughty child. This is a great mistake as a
parent has to be fair and just to both. A man came to the Prophet (SAWS)
and wanted the Prophet (SAWS) to witness giving his son presents and
money, neglecting his other sons. The Prophet (SAWS) refused, and told
the man that he does not witness injustice. Treating children unfairly is a
grave error and sows the seeds of hatred and hostility that will go on even
after their parents’ death.
The Prophet (SAWS) was visiting his daughter
Lady Fatimah (RA), and his grandson al-Hassan woke up and wanted a drink.
The Prophet (SAWS) went to bring him a glass of water, but as he was
returning, al-Hassan’s brother al-Hussein jumped up to drink first. The
Prophet (SAWS) refused to give him a drink until al-Hassan drank first as
he had asked first. This shows the justice and accuracy of the Prophet
(SAWS). Accordingly, parents must be fair to their sons/daughters even in
numbers of kisses.
Sometimes we think children should be punished or
even hit since they have made us livid with anger. Stop yourself and find
the other alternatives. It is not uncommon for parents to impair their
children’s judgment, especially when they are at a crossroads. The Prophet
(SAWS)
said that in the Day of Judgment a son will ask Allah (SWT) to punish his
father as he has allowed him to commit sins. This parent is one who has
driven away his child, by beating him up rather than trying to solve his
problems with him. The parent has a lot of economic, financial and
political stresses. Since he can’t take his grievances out on his boss,
the government, whatever, he takes it out on his child. Remember the three
principles of parenting: be a friend to your child, using the language of
emotion, and treat with respect and appreciation. Remember when the Prophet
(SAWS) said that kindness makes anything more beautiful and violence
dishonors it. Allah (SWT) is gentle and He (SWT) loves
gentleness and He (SWT) gives to gentleness what He does not give to
violence.
Parents should be especially careful with girls.
In future, this girl is going to be a sister, a mother and a grandmother.
She will raise three generations. The Prophet (SAWS) said the father who
honors, parents, and is merciful towards his girls will be rewarded by being
saved from hellfire. It is thus crucial that every parent finds a way to parent
without punishment.
TMQ=Translation
of the Meaning of the Qur'an. This translation is for the realized
meaning, so far, of the stated (Surah:Ayah) of the Qur'an. Reading
the translated meaning of the Qur'an can never replace reading it in
Arabic, the language in which it was revealed.
Ayah = verse of the Qur’an.
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