Paradise in Our Homes

Episode 14

In the name of Allah[1], the All-Merciful, the Ever-Merciful.  Al-hamdulillah (all praises be to Allah).  All Prayers and Blessings of Allah be upon Prophet Muhammad (SAWS[2]).

Our intention in this program is to bring back love and warmth to our homes and families, and strengthen kinship bonds.  Tonight, we will talk about parents’ communication with their children hence, this episode can be titled as: How to guide your children.

Many parents wonder how to deal with their children who as they claim, are so mischievous and disobedient. Parents should first ask themselves if they are guiding their children correctly.  We should note down our methods of guiding our children then compare them to those of the Prophet (SAWS) and his principles for treating children.

Most common children guiding methods used by parents today are:

1. Direct Commands: for example, ordering your child to eat that or drink that, or do so and so and not to do so and so.

2. Blaming and Admonition: Such as, "Don't do that for my sake or else I'll get mad of you".

3. Threatening: threatening your child could be even by a harsh look in the eye.

Moreover, the most common youth/ teenagers guiding methods used by parents today are :

1. Blaming and Admonition: For instance; a mother scolding her daughter badly for forgetting food on fire, hence the girl replies to her mom rudely and that is unacceptable for her mom.

2. Another way is Provocative Advice: For example; a father telling his son, "I am warning you from going out with those fellows again.  If you did, a disaster will hit you and you will be imprisoned, and at that moment I won't be responsible for you".  Imagine the son's reply! He would usually say, "You know nothing about my friends." The son may wonder within himself, "I wonder how your friends were when you were in my age?"

3. Threatening: A parent may say, "If you think that studying is worthless then I think that the pocket money is worthless too".  The son would reply secretly inside himself, "When shall I leave this house?"

4. Giving Orders: "Turn off the TV right away and go study." Usually the son's reply would be, "Ooh, I'm bored!"

5. Giving Lectures: Giving your son or daughter long lectures on how to well- behave, and claiming that you were never instructed when you were in age because you were a well behaved and respectable young man.

6. Degradation and Mockery:  For example, a father saying to his son, "You forgot locking the car after parking it, you are irresponsible person, get out of my face!"

7. Comparison:  A mother telling her daughter, "That's why your sister is better than you.  People love your sister more because she treats them well.  If you were like your sister you would be so and so."

Not all parents are treating their children like that but somehow today most of us as parents communicate with our children in the frame of the previous seven ways.

However, before we continue I want to remind the youth that no matter how your parents treat you, do not forget being dutiful to them.  Sometimes a mother's tear as you made her angry is much greater to Allah (SWT)[3] than a year full of sins.  Similarly, a father's face getting red of anger because of you could be much greater to Allah than hundreds of sins.

Even if you dislike and refuse the manner in which your parents communicate with you, you cannot ever treat the m with cruelty or in bad manners.  In the Noble Qur'an Allah says what can be translated as, "And your Lord has decreed that you should not worship any except Him (only) and (to show) fairest companionship to parents; in case ever one or both of them reaches old age (Literally: being great “in years”) in your presence, do not say to them, “Fie!” nor scold them; and speak to them respectful words (Literally: say to them an honorable saying)." (TMQ[4], 17:23).  The statement in which Allah (SWT) says what can be translated as, "Do not say to them, “Fie!”" is an absolute one.  Allah orders us to be dutiful to our parents.

At the same time the parents must adopt a better communication method with their youth.  A much better method is that used by Prophet Muhammad (SAWS). It's called: Appreciation and Respect.  You treat your children as grown-ups starting from the age of five until they reach their twenties.  Applying this principle will keep the great ones great and will turn the small ones also to be great.

Any human being needs to feel respected.  There is a nice Syrian proverb says that whenever you treat someone as great he will become great and whenever you treat someone as small he will remain small.  The Prophet (SAWS) never used any of the seven ways mentioned previously.  The principle of appreciation and respect is mentioned in psychology as a theoretical method. 

The Prophet (SAWS) put this method into actions. Some examples are:

1. Once the Prophet (SAWS) was sitting among his companions on a very hot day.  They were very thirsty, the Prophet (SAWS) asked for water and a vessel of water was brought.  The first one sitting on the right of the Prophet (SAWS) was a ten years old child.  As we know in Islam whenever you are handling water or saluting a group of people you begin with the ones on your right first.  Thus, the Prophet (SAWS) had to begin with the young child first but at the same time he should respect the older ones.  The Prophet (SAWS) then turned to the young child asking him if he minds allowing him to begin with the elders.  However, that child refused to give away his right to drink first.  At that moment the Prophet (SAWS) looked at his companions and told them that that was the child's right and so he will start with him first. 

Now, can you treat your son like that? If you apply this principle rightly, your son afterwards will feel himself respectable and would feel that you really respect him.  Thus, whenever he approaches doing something wrong he will think first because he would never want to lose your respect.  In order to change the future of our youth and to raise our nation we should respect them

2. Another example: when Allah (SWT) told the Prophet (SAWS) what can be translated as, "And warn your kinsmen, the nearest kin," (TMQ, 26:214) he (SAWS) gathered all his family and asked them to pledge him allegiance to Islam but no one responded.  Suddenly, a seven years old child rose up and told the Prophet (SAWS) that he would pledge him allegiance.  Everybody laughed at that situation but the Prophet (SAWS) accepted the young child and shook hands with the boy.  That young child was Ali Ibn-Abu-Taleb (RA)[5] who became then the Emir of the believers, and the one who conquered Khaibar.  He was a man brought up to be respectable.

If you give this respect to your child he will be beside you all through his life because he will always need to have your respect which is essential for any human being.

3.  Another example about the Prophet (SAWS) showing respect to girls as well as to boys: A young girl came to the Prophet (SAWS) and asked him to go with her to the market to buy her whatever she wants.  The Prophet (SAWS) went with her and he did not leave her.

4.  Moreover, the Prophet (SAWS) respected even those he did not know; a young named Abu-Rafa'aa al-Adawi, had said that he wasn't a Muslim and went to Al-Madinah to verify about Islam asking.  He found the Prophet giving a speech, so he interrupted the speech by his questions about the religion. As a result, the Prophet (SAWS) stepped off his pulpit and walked between people until he reached the stranger and sat before him.  Then began teaching him loudly in order to make everyone hear.  When he (SAWS) was assured that man’s doubts were all clarified he (SAWS) stood up and went to the pulpit once again continuing his speech.

Parents are asked not to raise their voice at their children, rather respect them.  That will be effective and they will listen to you hence, you will have the upper voice.

5.  The Prophet (SAWS) used to choose young youth to do great deeds.  For example, Asma' Bint-Abu-Bakr was made responsible to carry the water and food to the Prophet (SAWS) at his journey of hijrah (the migration from Makkah to Madinah).

Trusting is a sign of respect.

6.  The Prophet (SAWS) assigned Osama Ibn-Zaid to lead the army in the Roman war though Osama was only 16 years old that time.  Many companions rejected the idea but the Prophet (SAWS) insisted.  He (SAWS) trusted Osama because he brought him up himself.

This is a message to every parent; Charge your children with missions.  Make them feel that they are grown-ups.  Even if you find them childish still you should give them some responsibilities. 

To sum up ‘Respecting your children’ is the principle to a better communication between you and your children.

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 Episode 17 

Episode 16

 Episode 15

Episode 13

Episode 12